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For some reason, folks just seem to love jokes about Lawyers. We
here at the SCROOMtimes sometimes feel that we must go with the
flow, so here are some of the best that we know.
If, perchance, you find that you know a lawyer joke that isn't
here, tell us, at
LawyerJokes@scroom.com. If we agree that it's funny, we'll
add it to the page! Now, on to the fun....
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking
down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP",
and then swerve back onto the road.
(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the
lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he
would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into
the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved
to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last
minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain
he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came
from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and
said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and
behold, a genie appeared.
"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one
condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you
make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well -- only double."
The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would
like ten million dollars," he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the
man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world
has just recieved $20,000,000," the genie said.
"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish."
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just
received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"
"Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney...
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time
to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for
his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina,
snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head,
and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or
I'll blow your brains out!"
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak
Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated
the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that
the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him
regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
Replied the governor "Well, its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker."
The patent attorney turns away from his window, the invention in his
hand, and exclaims to the inventor:
"Death ray my ass! It hardly even slows them down!"
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he
means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do
you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was
pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ----
It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those
figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How
much do you want it to be?"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.He sees a sign
remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular
brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for doctor brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all
day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor.""That's wonderful.
How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My
father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about
your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy
plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly
changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's
house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher
explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's
father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like
that to a seven-year-old?"
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his
surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line
to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one
of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the
front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer
said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed
your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed
to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was
asked to donate a shilling.
"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney?
Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 of them."
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it
to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
thief go first, and the executioner follow."
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
money there has been only one answer to that question."
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly
station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides
to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge
palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces,
is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of
"Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place
like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". (He's from south Italy)
They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below
begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a
street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on
the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the
pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out:
"Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful
estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow,
this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many
times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get
your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the
first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial,
the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who
had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to have
him arrested for ?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he
went and took the car I stole."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of
your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury
would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall
looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen
lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The
lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge
back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was
very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury went into the
jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone
waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience
and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the
verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a
verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell,
they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest
The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross
the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we
better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out
some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the
cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that
guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell
us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a
balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That
man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at
this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the
innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged
his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his
lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you
learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we
could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she
said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night
talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in
the family than a lawyer."
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once
and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do
you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred
dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his
selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on
it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state,
it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I
could put ``here lies an honest lawyer" "But that won't let people know
who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the
stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to
another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to
lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you
switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far
more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them,
and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes
it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings."
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country,
to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the
lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch
line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a
backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a
Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a
freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the
country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one
morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick
berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch,
gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came
two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two
bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky,
and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back
to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local
backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the
berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still
there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while
visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just
had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without
batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told
you that the Czech was in the Male?"
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green
came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court
when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what
you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything
there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be
a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial?
Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?'
Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know
it when I see it.'
Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?'
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.'"
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a
diagnosis. A lady came in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor.
I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after
the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is
the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally appeal
your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you
addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into
stones. Remember on the third day when you called me the 'Butcher of
Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
to be in a lot of pain.'"
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the
patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now.
Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the
lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you
pass the kidney stone?"
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian
takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass,
drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world,
nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in
Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it.
All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas,
takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we
have the best cigars of the world: Havana, nowhere in the world there is
so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just
throw them away...".
Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the
window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws
the Lawyer through it...
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and
steals a roast. The Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right
to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers,
"Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast
from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check
for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the
butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's
office]. Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but
that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an
envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
- Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest
- Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of
currency as bait is prohibited.
- Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally
struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car
- It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
- It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
- It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
- It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
- It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms,
law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or
- If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony
to hunt, trap, or possess it.
- Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
- It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter,
drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie,
or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
||Yellow Bellied Sidewinder
||Two-faced Tort Feasor
||Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator
||Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only)
||Big-mouthed Pub Gut
||Honest Attorney - EXTINCT
||Brown-nosed Judge Kisser
||Silver-tongued Drug Defender - $100 BOUNTY
||Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
And the list goes on for quite awhile....
- Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were
- Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
- Overcharging fees to many clients.
- Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things,
but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in
his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once
you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug
look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him
and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."