Volume 1, Number 1 -- August, 1996

A View From the Cheap Seats

Hello sports fans, and welcome to my column. We've got a lot of material to cover today, the NHL finals and NBA finals, NFL rookie training camps, the upcoming NBA draft, the opening week of the RHI, The Chavez-DeLa Hoya fight, a little major league baseball for spice and Dennis Rodman's hair. Where to begin?

Let's start with the NHL, where the upsta...


Q: Hey, Professor. Is it true you're the smartest man on the planet and you know everything and out of the goodness of your heart you're willing to share your wisdom with those less fortunate than yourself?
A: Yes.

Q: Cool.
A: Very cool.

Q: So what's the deal with Marge Schott?
A: Marge is a senile old gasbag who's so out of touch with reality that she's incapable of recognizing when she's making a complete ass of herself.

Q: So you think she should be banned?
A: No, I think she should be named the official ambassador of good taste and enlightened thought and allowed to tour the world representing our and our people.

Q: You're kidding, right?
A: Of course I'm kidding you idiot! Get her fat, menthol smoking butt out of baseball and into a trailer park where it belongs. Stick her and stupid Astroturf-soiling mutt in the Freemen compound and torch the place. Then ban her!

Q: My anniversary is coming up and I wanted to get my wife tickets to something called the Superbowl. (I confess I'm not much of a sports fan.) Anyway, I was just wondering if you might tell me where to buy these tickets.
A: Who let this guy in here?

Q: Why don't people get off Albert Belle's back? This is one of the most talented, exciting young players to come along in a long time and just because some people don't understand him they think that makes him a jerk. Don't you agree?
A: Sure I agree. He's complex, he's enigmatic, we just don't understand him...Bullshit! If I hear one more person describe Albert Belle as complex or enigmatic I swear to God I'll devote all of the resources at my disposal to hunting that person down and kicking him in the butt! The guy's a jerk! End of story!

Q: My wife complains that I spend too much time watching football. She says that if I don't start paying more attention to her and less to the TV she's going to leave. I think she's really serious this time. My question is, do you think the Packers can go all the way this year?
A: God bless you, Sir.

Q: Do you think Luis Alicea hitting three home runs in three days evidence of a juiced ball?
A: No, but I think Greg Maddux with an ERA above 3.00 is.

Q: I'm trapped in a disaster of a marriage to a man who knows nothing about football. I want to dump him but our anniversary is coming up and I overheard him telling his mother he was getting me Superbowl tickets. My question is, would you like to go with me?
A: Meet me in the lobby in ten minutes.


...odman's ridiculous hair!
Well I think that's just about all my poor heart can take for one column. Man, was that exciting! I thank you all for joining me and look forward to sharing some quality time with you next week.
Until then, keep hitting 'em where they ain't.

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