Volume 1, Number 1 -- August, 1996

Skippy's Guide to Life and Eternal Happiness

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The Olympics Column

Hey kids!
Skippy here again, welcoming you to our inaugural issue of SCROOMtimes, the on-line magazine that eats like a meal. You know folks, I didn't want to write an Olympics column. I figure that you, my loyal minions, my ever-lovin' skipbots expect more from me than a tired old Olympics rant. It's all been said a thousand times and a thousand ways, too commercial, too many pros, too this, too that, it all gets tedious after the first five minutes or so. I am however, going to write an Olympics column of a sort. Something happened at the Olympics that changed my mind. Some pathetic, cheapjack, friendless little loser decided it would be a great idea to explode a bomb in a park filled with people. That is the reason I've decided to write about the Olympics.

As I write this, the main suspect is the rent-a-cop who found the bomb. I've smacked my head against the wall a couple of hundred times so that I could experience the way his mind must work. I see his thinking like this, "If'n I put the bomb in the park and then find it and get everbody out the way afore it blows up, then I'll be a heero and no one will ever know what a shitheap I really is!" Now your average, garden variety product of inbreeding would probably have built a false bomb, one that might explode but wouldn't do any actual damage. Not our guy though, he figured that if he was really going to be a hero, then there had to be a real threat. So he filled his coffee can with nails and screws and other things that turn lethal when propelled by explosives. That way when he found it and it was defused, everyone could tell him what a wonderful guy he was and maybe even buy him a drink, cause that's what they do to heroes, he knows cause he saw it on TV. So you see, I figure he never planned on anyone getting hurt by his little escapade and he certainly didn't plan on anyone dying. He basically is just such an absolute moron he couldn't pull off his half-baked scheme with any more competence than he handled the rest of his waste of a life.

I'd like to tell you about the woman that this poor excuse for a man killed with his little toy. I think that no matter what happens in this, it's more important to remember the victim than it is to publicize the goofy little swine that did the deed. Her name was Alice Hawthorne, she was a wife and mother. She was at Centennial Park that evening with her daughter Fallon. The trip to the Olympics was one of Fallon's birthday presents, Fallon was injured in the explosion that killed her mother. By all accounts, Mrs. Hawthorne had not led a remarkable life. You are not going to see the networks bidding to bring her story to television. She was a veteran of the Army, she worked a couple of jobs, she ran her own small business. If you stop and think for a moment, you probably know about half a dozen people like her. People that do what needs to be done and don't expect much fanfare. The sort of people that tend to be forgotten when we talk about what makes this country great. Yet Alice Hawthorne and the millions like her are just the people that make this country what it is, good people who will help if they can. I would rather have one Alice Hawthorne than all of the supposed leaders running this country today. I have a feeling that she would have just seen a problem and gone to work on it, because if she didn't who would?

All of my regulars know that I am a liberal, I make no bones about it. The reason I want to state it again is to let everyone know where it is I'm coming from. I think they should give whoever did this disgusting act a fair and just trial. After that, if he is found guilty, we should lock them in a room with bomb set to go off in one to six hours. With any luck at all, the miserable scum will have the full six to think things over before the nails and screws blow his sorry head off. Now I'm not thinking deterrence or justice or revenge, no, I'm thinking evolution. If we allow this slimy little geek to live, I can guarantee you that somewhere there is a woman with an even worse self-image than his. This sorry woman will want to have his baby. When you put the two of these Darwinian rejects together the best you can hope for is infertility. We won't be that lucky though. No, they will reproduce and have little stupid children who will grow up to do more stupid things, just like dear old dad. That's the best argument for capital punishment you'll ever hear folks, get these damaged menaces out of the gene pool for good.We are not talking crime and punishment, we are taliking survival of the species. If we can do it in a way that makes the useless jackoff suffer a little, then all the better.

What I really hope is that the media and all of us just ignore this sleazy little criminal. It doesn't matter what we do to him, if we do it on the six o'clock news he'll be happier than a pig in slop. No, let's strike this doofus from our public consciousness forever. A year from now, when we think about this cowardly gesture that darkened the games. Let it be in fond remembrance of Alice Hawthorne, devoted wife and mother. Let it not be about some borderline mental defect who doesn't deserve even our contempt.


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