Volume 1, Number 2 -- September, 1996
Skippy's Guide to Life and Eternal Happiness
Skippy here with you once more. Today we're talking about attraction. Now I'm not talking about Elvis Costello's back-up band, that would be The Attractions and a totally different column. No, what I'm talking about is attraction between two people. It might be sexual attraction, or romantic attraction, or just that sort of feeling you get when you meet somebody who you think might be cool.
It is an old cliche that men are attracted to one thing and women to something different entirely. Well, I've got a shocker for you Skip-fans out there, it's all bunk. Women are attracted to the exact same thing that men are, if you don't believe me just ask Fabio. The difference is in how quickly we get bored. You see, both men and women are interested in physical attributes first. Don't bother denying it ladies, I've done statistical research on this one. Oh sure, if you were asked what you would prefer you would claim that you want Albert Einstein. The fact of the matter is, you would go chasing after Attila the Hun if he had a nice butt (I'm not passing judgment on his butt one way or the other, mind you, but the exaggeration helps make the point.) I'm not claiming that men are any better in this regard, as matter of fact we're usually worse (all Attila would need as far as we're concerned is a nice pair of... let's stop that thought right there, shall we?). All I'm saying is that both sexes are susceptible to physical charms. The difference is that while women are quickly bored with the big, dumb hunk-types, men find the lack of intelligence in a mate an asset. Sure we usually regret that particular personality trait a few years down the road, but when we're out there looking for Ms. Right, she isn't holding a Ph.D. from Yale (unless of course she's holding it while wearing a French maid's outfit, but again, different column). You see folks, women are far less practical than men in this respect. You still seem to think that you can find that bodybuilder/brain surgeon type. Men on the other hand, realize that it is a one-or-the-other sort of thing.
Have you ever noticed what happens when two people break-up? Sooner or later, the woman will hit you with, "Can we still be friends?" Now a man's first reaction to this statement is going to be, "I already have plenty of friends, I need to get laid." This may sound as though it is a perfectly swinish thought. But you have to realize how the male mind works (frankly, not well) when it comes to women. Most men divide women into two categories, date material and friendship material. (some men also divide women up by whether they want to sleep with them or not, however, the number of women that most men will not sleep with is too small to be statistically relevant.) So you see ladies, if you are in the process of breaking it off with a man, then you must be date material (or at least were at one time.) The male mind is incapable of shifting categories that quickly, it needs the decompression period of ex-girlfriend status before it is able to accept her as friendship material. The bright side to all of this is that it is a much shorter jump from friendship status to date status (often as little as three beers), so if you're currently friends with a man you are hot for, keep buying those six-packs, it will happen.
Women on the other hand, work from an entirely different perspective. Women also divide men into the friend/date categories. Women also have difficulty switching between categories. Unfortunately, their difficulty is the reverse of men's. When a man and a woman break-up, the female has no problem whatsoever becoming friends with the man. Almost as soon as the deed is done, the woman is ready to have long heartfelt talks about her life and feelings and emotions. At this point the man is wondering just how far away he is from a drinking establishment. It's not that he doesn't want to talk, it's just that he doesn't want to talk to the she-beast that just tore his heart out and ate it. Conversely, if a women is friends with a man, nothing on heaven or earth will make her see him as anything more than a friend. How many of us know of a man who is so desperately in love with a woman he radiates it whenever she is around him. He could tattoo her name on his forehead surrounded by a heart with little cupids dancing about and still she would be clueless. He build himself into a Mr. Olympia contender/millionaire/Nobel prize winner and she would still lust after Hank who pumps gas down on the corner and drives a souped-up Nova. If he should make the fatal error of telling her his true feelings, he will receive the piteous look usually reserved for puppies recently hit by cars. She will tell him how important their friendship is to her and how much she loves and respects him, "Just not in that way". Then she will leave him crushed and forlorn for her date with the Hankster. Later, after paying for Hank to see the Monster Truck Rally and being called an uppity bitch for her trouble, she will call our hero and recount her tales of horror and lament for the hundredth time, "Why can't I meet a nice guy?" And they wonder why we go after the dumb ones...
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