Volume 1, Number 3 -- October, 1996

Collection #2

by Ben Ohmert

Party To

a final while, down by the old mildew stream,
ducks floating on corpses;
girls are told by uncles, and claim immunity later.
electronic devices secured, several settle into Levi circles,
catching Wembley stubs into a swill barrel, light is lightning
Orientals are selfish and they complain,
whipping out lives like they're all finished
Shakespeare is a bible from which all consorts conform
re: realism, the magic of 1700s,
lost for videos that no longer play the tapes
hash talk of a poor grain,
walked into shinny ripples since the clouds are old
love and trains and Penny Lane going nowhere but it's 5 to 9 and down time
history goes for the throat and tries to remember, older, disguise:
built from milk bottles that don't glass no more, Halloween suits thrown
and decomposing in the hearts and finds of no one. glass to glasses.
logical positivism isn't almost sure,
the grain bags someone lifts and throws
an interest: do they bury you with contacts?

Lady's Brain

what was the matter with her,
i thought, until i looked up her skirt
and saw she was stopped up
so i called the man and now
my wife is fine

Cheese To You

i dreamt of Lewis Carrol
doing naughty things to a little blonde girl
with cheese dipped in the kind of chocolate
that hardens.
i awoke in a lukewarm sweat
and finished a Tom Wolfe novel

The Bar That Closes At 2pm

"fuck it!" I thought, then a hooker grabbed
me and gave me a free sample...
the hardest part (besides the obvious)
was getting it off the toothpick

Committed By My Dog

I used to love her
until I found out
she was only using me
to clean the bathtub

$3 Million For A Fortnight's Work

but what they didn't tell me on the little card
was that you have to watch women
you're not allowed to touch demonstrate exercise machines
for 6 hours before hand, and I thought,
"That's a lot of pumping going to waste."

The Pickle People

I was an only child because me dad
took too much of his penis off with the knife
because he wanted to be jewish
so he could give us nice things

Death's Morning Breath

I get her to roll over, and she wants it!
in the morning!!!
I say forget it, get up and take off that stinking robe.
she tries to kiss me
I talk of Pampers and she goes to gargle
I MEANT to love you, it just slipped my mind
if we can start all over again, I swear I'll love you
but just in case, please just write your name down..
here...

The County In Trouble

the overpopulation was growing terrible
and it was my job to come in, see who we could get rid of
but they pleaded with me to stay alive, saying
why can't you kill some of the forest animals, make room for us
I said no, no, the animal rights people?, you can't Kill animals

The Adventures of Mowing the Yard

The wind fell loud upon the sun and blew
it far above my head (come on, clouds, please!),
though angry noon had chased away the breeze.
The weeds cropped large as packs of pollen flew
and guarded well the shed from view; the trees
had bombed the battled ground of cones thought dead
to keep the branches company, they said.
I suck the yard of living trash and sneeze
my path toward fumes of waiting metal. True,
my hand grips strong the mower, fast with ease;
I swing the thing around. (In heat it knew
the grass's secret battle cry to tease
and boil its oil with thoughts of subborn dred);
instead - with gas can leaks, it won't be fed..

Counting Comedy

The little girl's muffled tears fell on her corn dog,
and sniffles came regularly when the odd, huge man appeared.
(Could it be a warning system that) The balloon was cast
and fell upwards like a tiny grape floating into a huge canvas mouth.
The crowd's intrigue was hardly side-tracked when she screamed again.
The acts kept on twirling but the tall man lost his smile,
honked his nose and sulked away to others,
seeming cheered behind a powdered and protected face.
And the little girl giggled at acrobats, a man on a motorcycle and dogs.