Volume 1, Number 3 -- October, 1996

Skippy's Guide to Life and Eternal Happiness

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People that Piss Skippy Off

Hey kids!
Skippy here. Our topic for today is people that piss me off. Now I know you are probably thinking - "This is going to be a long one." Well guess what, that pisses me off. You think you're so damn smart, you think that just because I happen to be in a bad mood most of the time that nearly everyone and everything pisses me off. Okay, so they do. So What? I can't help it, and yes, it pisses me off that you're right.

Republicans piss me off. Not all of them, I'm no bigot after all, Abe Lincoln was all right. Pretty much all of them after that have been a real pain in the ass, though. Democrats piss me off too. Why do they have to be such wienies? I've got news for you Dems out there. When some lowlife rapes and murders an innocent child, he shouldn't be 'put to death'. No, he should be strung up by his privates and beaten to death with large sticks. I'm sorry folks, but you need a clue and I'm the detective.

Old people piss me off, but only because they did something during WW II that they can brag about till they croak, and our generation can't say a word. What have we done to make the world safe for democracy lately? Please don't say Desert Storm, because then you'll piss me off, too. Desert Storm was the most pathetic excuse for a war that anyone has ever seen! The Falklands was a better matchup than that. I would however, like to point out to all of you boomers out there, at least we won ours.

Children piss me off, I don't think that one requires any explanation. MTV pisses me off. Does anyone remember when MTV stood for 'music television' ? When was the last time you saw a video on that wasted frequency? I admit that "Beavis & Butthead" rule, but after that, what do you have? They peddle you hour upon hour of crap like Road Rules and Real World Is watching half a dozen losers without jobs for a year really entertainment to some people? How many times can you watch an argument about who used the last of the toilet paper?

People that don't realize what lane they're driving in piss me off. Here in California, we have slow lanes and fast lanes. Unfortunately, nobody seems to know which is which. If I am doing sixty-five in the slow lane, I really shouldn't have to worry about some fleeb in a camaro running up my tail. If I'm doing seventy-five in the fast lane, I shouldn't have to swerve to avoid Uncle Vern doing fifty. Easy rule of thumb folks, if you are being passed by cars on the right, get the hell out the way.

Politically active bands piss me off. I don't mind if you want to save the rainforest. It's cool if you want to support a canidate. For the love of God though, please don't write songs about it, you are not that talented. I know that you think you can turn your screed against the death squads into a pop song, but you can't. Trust me on this one guys, there are about three bands out there that can pull that off. Unless you are U2, Sting or the Ubergirlz, you are not one of them.

The people I work with piss me off. Where is it written that just because we are locked in a building together for forty hours a week, I need to be your buddy? I don't remember hearing that at the orientation. Bicyclists and pedestrians piss me off. Simple rule, if I have a car and you have a bike or less, I have the right of way.

That's all I have for now kids, I'm certain that this will become a regular Skippy feature though. I feel so much better now, I'm in love with the whole world. Except for those damn baseball players & owners, they should all be flogged and forced to watch pitchers bat for thirty hours. Hanging's too good for them.


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