Volume 1, Number 5 -- December, 1996

The Professor

The silence has at long last been broken. Al Davis, the misunderstood one, has finally graced the public with his wit and wisdom, and we are all the richer for it.

And what did the Grand Wizard of Pride and Poise have to say? Plenty. That is, if you were interested in the self-aggrandizing ramblings of a reclusive lunatic. At least, that's what it sounded like to the untrained ear. I mean, The Professor has always been first in line to grant Davis his due and give him the benefit of the doubt, but lets face it, an Al Davis interinterview is hauntingly like a Charles Manson interview, without the smiles.

All that aside, Davis did have a few noteworthy things to say. His commentary on sports salaries was not entirely off base and his praise of the late Pete Rozelle seemed sincere enough, but it was his comments on former Raider Marcus Allen that drew the most attention.

Davis rather cryptically hinted that there was much more to the whole Allen story than has been reported. He further stated that the entire story would one day be told and Marcus would be revealed for the impostor he is. When pressed for details Davis would say only that Marcus bad once been described as a "Cancer" by his own coach (which we had known), and that Davis had actually saved and extended Marcus' career (which we did NOT know).

Fascinated, I decided to do a little under cover work and was startled to find that Davis' claims were one-hundred percent true! Not only that, but in addition to saving Marcus' career, Davis has been responsible for a number of other noble deeds which he has (humble man that he is) chosen to keep secret.

What follows is a partial list of those deeds:

  • Fed starving children in Somalia.
  • Healed Joe Montana's back injury.
  • Replaced Bo Jackson's hip.
  • Performed appendectomy on the Pope.
  • Founded the United Way.
  • Defeated Communism.
  • Developed a vaccine for Chicken Pox.
  • Freed the Iranian Hostages.
  • Masterminded the OJ Simpson defense.
  • Invented rubber.
  • Cleaned Prince William Sound.
  • Marched with Martin Luther King, Jr.
  • Repaired the Hubble Space Telescope.
  • Invented the forward pass.
  • Set up a window display on home safety.
  • Sewed the AIDS quilt.
  • Drove the Soviets out of Afghanistan.
  • Invented the remote control.
  • Cleared Richard Jewell of all charges.
  • Discovered Plutonium.
  • Invented velcro.
  • Negotiated a cease-fire in Bosnia.
  • Fasted with Ghandi.
  • Resolved the Cuban missile crisis.
  • Captured the Unabomber.
  • Taught Jerry Rice to catch.
  • Pulled Baby Jessica from the well..
  • Shot Tupac Shakur.
  • Got Madonna pregnant.
  • Brought down the Berlin Wall.
  • Saved a dolphin.
  • Rescued a puppy.
  • Ended Apartheid.
  • Invented the catalytic converter.
  • Designed the Space Shuttle.
  • Loaned Bill Gates start up capital.
  • Delivered a baby.
  • Invented rope.

As I said before, this is only a partial list of the many unrecognized contributions of Al Davis to our world. I'm sure you'll all agree that all of us, not just Marcus Allen, are deeply indebted to this great, great man for all that he has done for us, for our world, for our children. If any of you can think of anything we can do for this man to show our gratitude, or if you know of any of his other noteworthy accomplishments, send them in and I'll publish them in next month's column. Hell, I'll even publish your name right along side it so you can show your friends. In fact, if you are an attractive female between the ages of 18-29 1/2, send a photo and a representative will contact you to set up a face to face meeting with The Professor. (Void where prohibited by law. Offer not valid in Montana, West Virginia, and parts of Arkansas.)

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