Volume 2, Number 1 -- January, 1997
The BackPage

by Your Scroomers

Here's a quick love aptitude test for you to take. Note the advice at the end.
  1. A beautiful woman in a Versace dress walks into a restaurant where you are working. Do you:
    1. Walk up calmly and offer to take her coat.
    2. Hide behind a pot plant, salivating.
    3. Yell across the room "Hey guys, check this out!".
  2. Walking along the road, you see a beautiful woman accidently let go of her dog's leash, and the dog run away. Do you:
    1. Race after the dog, gently catch hold of the leash, and walk back towards her.
    2. Run like hell because you have a phobia about dogs.
    3. Race after it, catch it by stamping on it, and the return the corpse. to her winking and saying "Anything you need this dog for, I can do".
  3. A beautiful woman walks up to you on the street and says "$50, anyway you want it." Do you:
    1. Politely decline.
    2. Soil your pants with shock.
    3. Try to bargain her down to $30.
  4. On a beach date, your girlfriend suddenly realises that she's lost her bikini top. Do you:
    1. Swim back to shore, and bring back your towel.
    2. Stand there in shock, realising that you can see her nipples and that there's nothing to hide behind.
    3. Offer to cover up her breasts a'la THAT Janet Jackson poster.
  5. You give her roses every day for years with no apparent response.
    1. Phone her up and ask sweetly, "How did you like the roses?"
    2. Cry all over your newspaper.
    3. Sue her through the courts for the cost of the roses.
  6. You have a basic problem with a woman. Do you:
    1. Ask her if you can discuss your "true feelings".
    2. Email your favorite Internet newsgroup and discuss it there.
    3. Stand outside her new boyfriend's flat with a baseball bat.

Total up the number of times you chose (a), (b), and (c) for each question.
Mostly (a)'s. You are a niceGuy(tm). Forget about women, they'll all say that you're exactly what they want, but too good a friend to risk actually having a romantic relationship.
Mostly (b)'s. You are a wimp. Enroll in self-help classes in the hope that someone even more inadequate than you will turn up and you'll feel better about yourself.
Mostly (c)'s. You are a complete bastard. You couldn't spare a few of your dates for the rest of us, could you?
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