Volume 2, Number 2 -- February, 1997
What Every Boy Knows
Hey kids! Skippy with you once more. You know folks, I have this friend, a female friend who I do things with occasionally when one or the other of us needs a partner of the opposite sex. Now get your minds out of the gutter, I'm talking about dancing or the movies you sick little thing. Until very recently, this friend of mine was in a somewhat stable relationship. I say somewhat stable because the relationship involved a man. One day, this friend of mine and her man ended their relationship, and yours truly was left the unenviable task of picking up the pieces. My friend asks me to decode her former's utterings every time we get together. "What did he really mean by that?" "What do you think he really wants?" And so on, and so on, and so on. After doing this for several weeks, it occurs to me that you ladies out there could use the ol' Skipster's advice and counsel.
I have always felt that it was the male of the species that was overmatched in the dating game. The men I know are clueless at best when it comes to women. As far as that goes, most of the men I know are clueless when it comes to everything save drinking beer and televised sports. The women I know, on the other hand, are intelligent, thoughtful, sensitive and amazingly devious creatures. So you can see why I never thought they would need my advice on relationships. By all rights, every man in the world should be walking around in a stupor, throwing money randomly at jewelry stores and florists. And yet, this is rarely the case. For some unknown reason, it is the women who spend inordinate amounts of time trying to please and understand men.
It's time for a News Flash ladies, and I don't think the men in the audience will mind if I let you in on our little secret. We really aren't all that complex. It is you who are the complex ones in this species. You are so complicated in fact, that you have trouble comprehending just how simple we are. Our lives are centered around just a few simple thoughts where women are concerned. Let me list them for you so there won't be any confusion.
1. Will she have sex with me.
If a man is talking to you and he is not related by blood, he is asking or has asked this question. It is a reflex response, we simply cannot help ourselves. Though the more refined among us will continue to talk to you even after we find the answer is no.
2. How long before we have sex.
If you have had sex with a man already and he is not related by blood and he is still talking to you he is asking this question. There is perhaps a ten minute window directly following the act itself, but this is usually used up by going to sleep.
3. Will SHE have sex with me.
This question is directly tied to question #1. You see, just because a man is in a committed and stable relationship with a woman who he loves, adores and worships, he still cannot help but ask this question of every women he meets, sees, views in a photograph or even hears about from one of his notoriously unreliable friends. Again, the more refined among us never move beyond the unconscious question, but the question is there nonetheless. This is where we get the "unable to commit" label. It isn't that we don't want to commit to you. On the contrary, nothing would please us more than to have question #1 answered for the rest of our lives. It is just that the minute we give up on question #3, Hudson Leick will enter our lives with nothing but the desire to please us carnally for all time. So you see our predicament.
4. What time does the game come on.
If you have answered questions #1 and #2 with a firm negative (usually involving physical pain or legal intervention) and the man is still talking to you, this is what he is thinking if he is an enlightened sort. If he is the average man, he is still asking the first question. The logic being that since he wouldn't be talking to you unless he wanted sex, then you of course must feel the same.
Why don't we try out our new knowledge of men with these sample situations?
Let's assume you and a man have just broken off your relationship. He calls you after a week or so and asks you to lunch. What does he really want? Easy, he is asking question #1.
You and your man are walking down the street and you ask him what he is thinking. He tells you he isn't thinking about anything in particular. What is he really thinking? This one is a little complicated so follow along. If there is no one on the street, he is asking either number #2 or number #4. If there is a representation of the feminine form within his line of sight, he is asking number #3.
You and your man finished making love nine minutes ago and you ask him what he is thinking. Again he says nothing in particular. What is he really thinking? Easy, question number #4. If it had been eleven minutes, it would have been question number #2.
So you see ladies, it isn't all that hard to understand the male of the species. All we want is to have sex with you on a semi-constant basis, with the freedom to have sex with other women should the opportunity arise. It's in our genetic makeup, we cannot help it. You might have gotten the idea from me that there are enlightened men out there who do not ask these questions. Trust me when I tell you that nothing could be further from the truth. The enlightened among us already know the answers, but it doesn't ever stop us from asking the questions. I hope this helps you in your battle of the sexes and remember, if you ever just need someone to talk to...