Volume 2, Number 3 -- March, 1997
The BackPage

How Geeks Get Laid

by Pelican Smith

 Geeks have existed for almost as long as sex has. A geek is not strictly a computer nerd, but is an individual who spends far too much time pursuing an (often solitary) interest. Once upon a time, there was probably a Mastodon-hunting geek who, due to all those lonely nights in the frozen forest, found it difficult to stay on top of his profession and still score with the cute chick with a bone in her beard.
 I alone, of all the geeks through all time, have solved this paradox. If you listen to me, you will be scoring more nookie than Dennis Rodman by midnight.
 First, why do you want to have sex? The answer may surprise you. Desire for sex is a strong biological symptom of your desire to be even more of a geek! See, during your normal geekly duties, you are constantly distracted by the need to feed and cloth yourself. Sex is your method of trapping someone else into doing those things for you.
 Second, where does a happening geek like yourself go to meet women? Well, go to the places where women are, like the mall. There are four main types of women in malls:
  1. Teenyboppers: 65% - Don't even talk to them unless you are a teenybopper yourself. Not only is it illegal, it's often painful.
  2. Bored housewives 15% - Can sometimes be talked into a quicky, but why bother. Jealous husbands killed 4,218 Geeks last year, and the numbers keep rising.
  3. College girls hanging out, buying sexy underwear, and waiting for the movie to start: 10% - Be afraid, be very afraid.
  4. Saleswomen: 10% - Always looking for a good time, and are forced to be nice to you, to a point. Beware the ones that flirt with you in order to increase sales, which is most of them.

 Once you've met your potential love muffin, you might be wondering what to say to her. After all, she's probably not interested in the stuff you post to USENET. Try some of these lines:
  1. You're gorgeous. - This works on all women, all the time. No other line is really needed.
  2. What is your favorite position on extramarital sex?
  3. Hi! Can I buy you a car?
  4. Do you know how to use a whip?
  5. Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!
     And my personal favorite:
  6. There's something about you that turns me on, I just wish I could put my finger on it.
 Do NOT say any of the following: 1. You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno. 2. You're ugly but you intrigue me. 3. So you're a girl huh? 4. That's funny. The way you look I thought you'd have a nice personality.
 For more advise on meeting women, see my web page at:
and remember - it's not the quantity of the nookie you get, it's the quality. Unless you're under 25.
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