Volume 2, Number 3 -- March, 1997
How Geeks Get Laid
by Pelican Smith
Geeks have existed for almost as long as sex has. A geek is not strictly a computer nerd, but is an individual who spends far too much time pursuing an (often solitary) interest. Once upon a time, there was probably a Mastodon-hunting geek who, due to all those lonely nights in the frozen forest, found it difficult to stay on top of his profession and still score with the cute chick with a bone in her beard.
I alone, of all the geeks through all time, have solved this paradox. If you listen to me, you will be scoring more nookie than Dennis Rodman by midnight.
First, why do you want to have sex? The answer may surprise you. Desire for sex is a strong biological symptom of your desire to be even more of a geek! See, during your normal geekly duties, you are constantly distracted by the need to feed and cloth yourself. Sex is your method of trapping someone else into doing those things for you.
Second, where does a happening geek like yourself go to meet women? Well, go to the places where women are, like the mall. There are four main types of women in malls:
Once you've met your potential love muffin, you might be wondering what to say to her. After all, she's probably not interested in the stuff you post to USENET. Try some of these lines:
For more advise on meeting women, see my web page at:
and remember - it's not the quantity of the nookie you get, it's the quality. Unless you're under 25.