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Volume 3, Number 10
October, 1998

The BackPage Results of A Relationship Study

by Your SCROOMers

With regard to differences between the sexes, after countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, a few interesting facts were uncovered. Actually, a lot of facts were uncovered. In a daring, two-part Backpage. we are presenting them to you! Part one this month, and Part two next month.
  • First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."
  • When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.
  • A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted to let you know that you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.
  • Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
  • Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
  • Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.
  • Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
  • Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
  • Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching tele- vision, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge.
  • The women will roll their eyes, groan and wait it out.
  • To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
  • Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
  • A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
  • The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
  • Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
  • Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
  • A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.
  • A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon, and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
  • When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.
  • When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...
  • When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.
  • A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.
  • Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
  • A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
  • Women love cats.
  • Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
  • Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.
  • Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...
Check out Part two next month, in the SCROOMtimes!
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