Buy a Damned T-Shirt!
Volume 3, Number 11
November, 1998

The BackPage The Mating Test

by Your SCROOMers

Hey, gals! Ever wonder if YOU have what it takes to be a loving, caring lifemate to some wonderful guy? Well, wonder no more, as we here at the SCROOMTIMES have come up with a quick yet comprehensive exam to help you find out if you are the type of person who will one day make some lucky man very happy, or the type of person who will wind up living with a houseful of cats. If you think you're strong enough to handle the answer, then get ready to take....

The Mating Test

  1. You walk in and catch Him masturbating. What do you do?
    1. Turn around and discretely exit the room, never to bring up the subject again.
    2. Giggle and point.
    3. Join in.
    4. Call over an attractive female friend and both of you join in.
  2. After a torrid session of lovemaking, He asks you who was the best lover you've ever had. What do you say?
    1. Immediately and unflinchingly answer that it was him, beyond any doubt.
    2. Pause thoughtfully for several moments, giving careful consideration to the question before answering that it was him, beyond any doubt.
    3. Innocently reply that since you've only had two lovers before him and you were really, really drunk both times so you don't remember much but what you do remember was that they were both really bad and had smaller- than-average penises and both are dead now so it really doesn't matter anyway, that he is the greatest lover you have ever even heard about, beyond any doubt.
    4. Tell him the truth.
  3. During the kickoff of the Super bowl, you go into labor with your first child. What do you do?
    1. Politely but firmly tell Him that it is time and you need to leave for the hospital now.
    2. Have a friend or family member record the game for later viewing and have three burly family friends drag Him to the hospital.
    3. Tell him not to worry, you can hold it until after the game and post game celebration, if any.
    4. Phone Him from the hospital to let him know the gender.
  4. While doing His laundry you find a modest amount of money in his pockets. What do you do with it?
    1. Keep it.
  5. If Jesus Christ were alive today, he would be...?
    1. The Pope.
    2. The President of the United States.
    3. Really pissed.
    4. Clawing at the inside of his coffin.
  6. In your opinion, what was the greatest movie ever made?
    1. The Bridges of Madison County.
    2. The Dirty Dozen.
    3. Hollywood Hot Tubs.
    4. Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
  7. In your opinion, what was the greatest book ever written?
    1. The Bible.
    2. Thin Thighs in Thirty Days.
    3. The Celestine Prophesies.
    4. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
  8. What is a "face off"?
    1. A waste of seven bucks.
    2. A revolutionary new makeup remover.
    3. The Hockey equivalent of a "Jump Ball".
    4. A bad way to start the Leper Convention.
  9. When trying on a new pair of pants you turn to Him and ask him, "Do these make my butt look big?". What reply would you consider acceptable?
    1. Oh, God yes!
    2. Butt? What butt?
    3. No response, just turn and sprint out of the room.
    4. Don't be ridiculous, I would never put Greg in such an awkward position to begin with.
  10. A freak accident renders him incapable of ever having sex again. What do you do?
    1. Remain loyal and true, committing yourself to a life of celibacy and diaper changing.
    2. Discretely satisfy your sexual needs with anonymous men.
    3. Become a lesbian and allow Him to watch.
    4. Who?
  11. Which of the follow phrases have you ever spoken to a man?
    1. I love you, I'm just not IN love with you.
    2. It's not you, it's me.
    3. I like you, just not in THAT way.
    4. If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you.
    5. I don't understand what the big deal is, it's just a stupid game.
    6. You're not going to wear that, are you?
    7. What are you thinking right now?
  12. You catch Him having sex with another woman. What do you do?
    1. Pack your bags.
    2. Pack his bags.
    3. Join in.
    4. Have sex with his brother-in-law, just to get even.
  13. In your opinion, which of the following best describes the typical man.
    1. Pig.
    2. Dog.
    3. Neanderthal.
    4. Erection with feet.
  14. At your family Christmas party, He drinks too much, get into an argument with your Dad, throws up on the pool table, and passes out in the hot tub. What do you do.
    1. Toss him a toaster.
    2. Laugh it off, Boys Will Be Boys.
    3. Allow the guests to take turns performing humiliating acts on him, and take pictures.
    4. Say nothing, secure in the knowledge that you will be able to punish him with this every day for the rest of his life.
  15. Which of the following best describes your definition of Monogamy?
    1. Having sex with the same person all the time.
    2. Having sex with only one person at a time.
    3. Only having sex with people of the same name.
    4. A type of wood.


Calculate your score as follows:
    1. 0 points ; You didn't help, but you didn't hurt.
    2. -10 points ; And be thankful if you don't find your cat in the microwave.
    3. 10 points ; You can never go wrong here.
    4. 10,000 points ; And if you ever find yourself in the market for a new man....
    1. 3 points ; No good. You answered too fast, thus giving the impression that you're not being honest.
    2. 3 points ; Still no good. You took too much time, thus giving the impression that there were too large a number of candidates.
    3. 10 points ; The best answer. It's has just the right ring of sincerity while still protecting the fragile male ego.
    4. 0 points ; What, are you nuts?
    1. 0 points ; This clearly would never work.
    2. 3 points ; Practical and Sensible. He'll thank you later (for recording the game).
    3. 5 points ; Way to gut it out, kid.
    4. 10 points ; Thanks, Babe.
    1. 10 points ; It's the only honorable thing to do.
    1. 0 points ; Catholics would never allow him to cavort with prostitutes.
    2. 0 points ; Ken Starr would have destroyed him yearsago.
    3. 10 points ; His actual quote "I was nailed to a cross so you could sit around and watch Teletubbies!"
    4. 0 points ; And you're going to burn in Hell.
    1. 0 points ; How do you put Clint Eastwood in a movie and NOT let him shoot someone?
    2. 3 points ; Manly Men doing Manly Things.
    3. 5 points ; 90 jiggly, sweaty minutes, no discernible plot line.
    4. 10 points ; The ultimate cult flick.
    1. 0 points ; No tambourine-whackers allowed.
    2. 0 points ; Chances are, if you need this book, it won't do you any good anyway.
    3. 0 points ; You people make me sick.
    4. 10 points ; 42
    1. 5 points ; Your movie knowledge is admirable, but we were looking for another answer.
    2. 0 points ; No, no, no.
    3. 10 points ; Yes, yes, yes.
    4. 7 points ; I like the way you think.
    1. 7 points ; I admire you're willingness to handle the truth.
    2. 0 points ; Your pathetic need to fish for compliments sickens me.
    3. 5 points ; Requires physical exertion.
    4. 10 points ; Thank you, now was that so hard?
    1. 0 points ; Liar.
    2. 5 points ; But only if you continue to feed him.
    3. 10 points ; Now THAT's love.
    4. 3 points ; Your honesty is refreshing.
  1. Subtract 10 points for each circled answer.
    1. 0 points ; Aw, Baby. Please try to understand...
    2. 0 points ; ...she meant nothing to me, I swear...
    3. 10,000 points ; Baby, you're the best!
    4. -10 points ; Unless his sister is married to a SCROOMTIMES Staffer...
  2. Add 10 points for each circled answer.
    1. 0 points ; That would be murder, you know.
    2. 10 points ; Finally, a woman who understands.
    3. 5 points ; It would be the "Guy" thing to do.
    4. -10 points ; Have you no soul, woman?
    1. 0 points ; Boring.
    2. 0 points ; Boring.
    3. 0 points ; Too restrictive.
    4. 10 points ; That's what I like to hear.


  • 150 and up = You are the ideal mate for any man.
  • 75 to 150 = There will be some rough patches, but overall you have the potential to be a fine mate.
  • 0 to 75 = With intensive therapy and plenty of strong drink, a desperate man may be able to tolerate you.
  • -100 to 0 points = You are probably cashing my alimony check right now.
[an error occurred while processing this directive]