Volume 3, Number 4
Titanic in 5 Minutes
(I thought of claiming that I wrote it, but the morons on
Live 105 (morning radio in the SF Bay area) have already made that
Well, you've avoided it so far. Everyone on your block has seen Titanic
but you, and for some reason you feel cheated. Well, we here at the
SCROOMtimes are here to help. Here we present Titanic in 5 minutes.
You now know all you need to know about the movie, and you've saved
$7.50! Hey! I have a great idea! That's a REAL good start on the cost
of a SCROOMtimes t-shirt!
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the
art you asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am
certain he will amount to nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our '90s audience,
because of course Picasso later amounted to quite a bit, after
this boat sank.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio.
Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to
the worship of me. You are very pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to
put on my "brooding" face now, to ensure that women will
keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my
white shirt will be soaking wet.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing
here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience
interested until the boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you,
Leonardo, even though you saved my fiancee's life. I am going
to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you're poor,
and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and
then, just to make sure the audience really hates me,
and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional,
perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have
at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown
any of yours, and plus, you're trying to come between
Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo!
(Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming
between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you,
even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you
could cheat on your fiance.
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made
a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I
cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the
windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the
movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of
this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my
fiance were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First I would like to draw you, though,
so of course you will have to take off all your clothes.
KATE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous
nudity be at all successful in, say, Provo, Utah, where the
audiences might not stand for that sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three
weeks the film is in release, every single showing at
Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer,
that is exactly what happened.
KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of
ICEBERG: (hits boat)
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
KATE: That is terrible.
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me, I --
AUDIENCE: Boo! Boo!
WEASELLY FIANCE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the
deal here. (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my
personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here
in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact
that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to
escape and save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.
150-YEAR-OLD KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued
me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the
water. Of course, if it hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I
could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my
legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm
well over a thousand years old, and who's making my
supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's
making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud
music. Why, when I was -- hey! Don't you walk away from
me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had
one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come
(Fade to black; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song.)