My wife sold my TV.

I cannot tell you how long and hard I toiled at the keyboard tonight, trying to formulate the exact words that might capture the full spiritual impact of such an event. In the end I realized that you, my loyal reader(s), would need no special guidance from me to comprehend the depth of the emotional trauma that befell me as my eyes first fell upon that gaping emptiness where once sat my trusty 19-inch color TV.

My wife sold it.

At a garage gale.

For $50.

To a lady who doesn't even have cable (she told my wife this during the "transaction".)

Did you hear what I just said? My wife SOLD MY TELEVISION! That is one of the Seven Deadly Sins of the Guy World. The seven worst offenses a woman can commit against a man are:

1. Kill Him
2. Slice Off His Penis *(See Footnote)
3. Mess With His Home Electronics Equipment
4. Wreck His Car
5. Sleep With Another Man
6. Talk During The Game
7. Insult His Family

See it? Right there between "Slice Off His Penis" and "Wreck His Car"? You must never, EVER, under any circumstances, sell a man's TV against his wishes. The decision to terminate ownership of a TV is profoundly personal and should be left solely up to the man and his sales advisor. To disregard his wishes on a matter as deeply personal as this is to diminish him as a person and is thus unacceptable.

Now, I am a tolerant man. I routinely forgive momentary lapses against #6 and have given her cart blanche to completely disregard #7 (you'd have to meet my family), but this is very nearly grounds for dismissal.

And why, might you ask, would she commit such an affront against her man? What possible reason could she offer forth in her defense?

She "didn't think it would be a big deal."

I'll pause to allow that time to sink in…lengthy pause…

By now you've undoubtedly come to the same conclusion that I have, which is...

HOW IN THE HELL CAN ONE WOMAN BE SO THICKHEADED AS TO LIVE WITH ME, THE KING OF ALL COUCH POTATODOM, FOR THE BETTER PART OF A DECADE AND NOT UNDERSTAND, NOT FULLY F%#@ING COMPREHEND THE IMPORTANCE I PLACE ON MY SPORTS VIEWING EQUIPMENT?

Having failed to diffuse the situation with nonchalance, she then tried "reason", pointing out that it was "only" my office TV and that I still have my 35-inch TV in the living room and that "You don't really need two televisions, do you?".

Don't need two TVs? Don't need two... How in the hell am I going to watch two games at the same time? My big TV doesn't have picture-in-picture. When I bought it, I didn't think it was a feature I would need SINCE I HAVE TWO TVs! Besides, what happens if I'm watching the big game, it's late, score's tied, offense is driving for the.. oh no! The picture tube just exploded! But don't worry, I have another.. wait, no I don't, because MY WIFE SOLD MY OTHER TV!

With tactic #2 having met the same fate as tactic #1, she fell back on the Wife's Ultimate Defense: Counter-Attack.

"Well, you sold my Grandmother's China in Dean's (my editor check out his fine column, Fun & Games) garage sale!"

Ordinarily I, like any other properly browbeaten husband, would crumble in the face of the Ultimate Defense. But this time I held the moral high ground and I stuck to my guns. I offered up three devastating counter-points that left her reeling:

1. I actually used my TV. If I hadn't sold it, her Grandmother's China would've sat in the attic collecting dust until our grandchildren buried us and looted our home for whatever valuables they could lay their greedy, crack-peddling little paws on.
2. I didn't sell ALL of her Grandmother's China, just some of it. She sold my ENTIRE TV!
3. I specifically told her, on more than one occasion, NOT to sell my TV. She NEVER told me not to sell her Grandmother's China.

Not surprisingly, she had no response to that.

I graciously accepted her concession and left her to ponder the magnitude of her misdeed.

In the meantime, I must face the chilling fate of a single-TV existence, at least until I can guilt my wife into buying me a new backup TV. I figure Sin #3 should earn me an upgrade to a 27-inch, maybe even with Picture-in-Picture. Until then, I still have my Previous Channel button and my formidable Channel Surfing skills to rely on.

Do not worry overly much about me, faithful reader, I will persevere.

* Footnote: There was much debate in the ecclesiastical council over which would be the greater offense, death or penile detachment. In the end it was decided that, even without a penis, you could still watch football, which gave it a bit of an edge on death. It was also pointed out that losing one's penis would rid one of the necessity of dealing with females altogether, and thus might actually be a blessing in disguise.