Last Modified: Oct 1, 1995

The Sh*t List

The Ghost Sh*t The kind where you feel the sh*t come out, have sh*t on the toilet paper, but there is no sh*t in the toilet.
The Clean Sh*t The kind where you sh*t it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
The Wet Sh*t The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you don't ruin them with a brown stain.
The Second Wave Sh*t It happens when you're done sh*tting, you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to sh*t some more.
The Brain Hemorrhage Through Your Nose Sh*t or The Pop a Vein in your Forehead Sh*t (or The Sh*t That Killed Elvis Presley) The kind where you strain so much to get it out you practically have a stroke.
The Iceberg Sh*t The kind where the sh*t is so long that the end of it sticks up out of the toilet water.
The Land-Sea-Land Sh*t Bowl configuration and ass position are key to producing this sh*t. Essentially the same as the Iceberg Sh*t except it breaks water at both ends.
The Saddle Oxford Sh*t The kind where, while it is still floating, the half underwater appears to be a different color than the half on top of the water. When you roll it over with the bowl brush, you see that it really is two-tone, but you don't know why.
The Richard Simmons Sh*t The kind where you sh*t so much that you lose 30 pounds.
The Corn Sh*t Self explanatory.
The Lincoln Log Sh*t The kind of sh*t that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without first breaking it into a few pieces with the bowl brush.
The Big Daddy Don Garlitz Sh*t or The Drinker's Sh*t The kind of sh*t you have the morning after a long night of beer drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks left on the sides and bottom of the toilet.
The "Gee, I Wish I Could Sh*t" Sh*t The kind where you want to sh*t, but all you do is sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times.
The Spinal Tap Sh*t The kind where it hurts so much coming out you would swear it was leaving you sideways.
The Wet Cheeks or The Power Dump The kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
The Firewater Sh*t The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time chronically burning your tender anus.
The Mexican Food Sh*t A class all its own.
The Something Crawled Up Your Ass and Died Sh*t The kind where the odor creeps out of the restroom and throughout the building to make the entire building sick or consider evacuation.
The "Can't Talk" Sh*t The kind that inhibits you from saying another word to your friends, co-workers, family, or whoever is around because you know in your mind that you have just enough time to get your butt on the toilet before you let loose one of the above.

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copyright © 1995 Andrew Wallace