Last Modified: Oct 1, 1995

Subject: Wifespeak

For your info, here are some standard "wifespeak" phrases and their English translations.

Wifespeak English
You want You want
We need I want
It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want You'll pay for this later
We need to talk I need to complain
Sure... go ahead I don't want you to.
I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're ... so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot
This kitchen is so inconvenient! I want a new house.
I want new curtains ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper, and...
I need wedding shoes the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? [Too late. You're dead.]
Yes No
No No
Maybe No
I'm sorry You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
All we're going to buy is a soap dish? It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGIOD there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

In answer to "What's wrong?"
Nothing The same old thing
Nothing. Nothing
Nothing! It's just that you're such an asshole.
Everything. --Everything
Nothing, really. My PMS is acting up.
I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up steam.

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copyright © 1995 Andrew Wallace