Buy a Damned T-Shirt!
Volume 2 , Number 10
Nov , 1997

View From the Cheap Seats Hi, my name is Dave, and I'm a Raider fan.

by Dave Lind

DAVE: Hi, my name is Dave, and I'm a Raider fan.

GROUP: Hello, Dave!

DAVE: I suppose you all know what my problem is. My team sucks and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

GROUP: We hear you and we share your pain.

DAVE: I've tried drinking, that helped some. I kicked my dog, that helped a lot, but then he ate my motorcycle boots and that made me feel sad.

GROUP: Let it out, Dave.

BIKER BOB: We've all been there, Dave.

DAVE: Sometimes I...I...

BIKER BOB: Go on, Dave. We're here for you.

DAVE: Sometimes I just feel unfaithful.


BIKER BOB: Oh, no Dave. You must not do that, you must NEVER do that.

MOONDOG: You must remain strong, Brother Dave.

DAVE: I know, I know. Its just that...I's not like I don't appreciate the good times we've had. Beating the Eagles in Super Bowl XV, or the Redskins in Super Bowl XVIII. Remember when Jack Squirek picked off that Theisman pass and just waltzed into the end zone? Or the time Mike Davis intercepted Brian Sipe in the end zone?

MOONDOG: Or how about the time Jack Tatum knocked Sammy White's helmet off and it bounced ten yards downfield?

SPIDER: More like fifteen.

BIKER BOB: Stop it, you're gonna make me cry.

DAVE: Those were good days.

SPIDER: That's what we need, more players named Jack.

DAVE: And it's not like I haven't stuck by their side through the hard times. I've survived the Jay Schroeder years, the Marc Wilson years, even the Rusty Hilger year.

BIKER BOB: We know, Dave. You've been strong.

MOONDOG: You're a rock, Brother Dave.

DAVE: But these last few years...I much can a man endure?

BIKER BOB: Let it out, Dave. Let it all out.

DAVE: Kansas City, Denver, San Diego...they beat us all the time... all the time...

SPIDER: Don't forget Seattle.

BIKER BOB: Shut up, Spider! It's ok Dave, we feel your pain.

DAVE: We make average running backs look like Earl Campbell and mediocre quarterbacks look like Dan Marino. I mean, Billy Joe Tolliver "found his rhythm" against us for Christ's sake!

BIKER BOB: There, there Dave. We've all been there.

DAVE: I'm just a man, like any other, aren't I? I have needs, don't I?

MOONDOG: What are you saying, Brother Dave?

DAVE: I'm saying....I guess what I mean is...

BIKER BOB: Go ahead Dave, you're among friends here.

DAVE: I'm saying that...I've strayed. I've been unfaithful. I've...rooted for a team that was not the Raiders.

GROUP: Gasp.

MOONDOG: How could you!

SPIDER: I don't even know who you are anymore.

BIKER BOB: Just tell us it wasn' wasn't...

DAVE: No, no! It wasn't the Niners, I swear! And it wasn't any team that was playing against the Raiders at the time.

MOONDOG: And I suppose you were thinking of us the whole time!

BIKER BOB: Now, Moondog. We are not here to judge. We all have our moments of weakness. Go on, Dave. Tell us all about it.

DAVE: It was a couple of weeks ago, after we'd lost to the Jets.

SPIDER: Yeah, what a sorry game that was.

DAVE: Anyway, I was watching the Sunday night game and...

MOONDOG: You didn't!

DAVE: Well, with the new uniforms and the whole "pirate thing"

MOONDOG: You make me sick!

BIKER BOB: That's enough, Moondog!

MOONDOG: You rooted for Tampa Bay? How could you?

BIKER BOB: I said, that's enough, Moondog!

SPIDER: A Buccaneer is a Pirate?

DAVE: I felt just awful about it. I even tried to take back the Trent Dilfer jersey but I'd lost the receipt and...

MOONDOG: You bought a Trent Dilfer jersey? Oh, that's does it! I'm gonna kick your #$^%@!

BIKER BOB: Moondog, no! You remember what Coach Bugel says about swearing!

MOONDOG: Ohmigosh, you're right. I'm sorry, I lost my head.

BIKER BOB: That's ok, Moondog. It happens to all of us.




DAVE: Hug!

BIKER BOB: There, all better. Now, let's go beat the heck out of Dave for buying that Trent Dilfer jersey, but remember, no swearing!
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