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Volume 2 , Number 10
Nov , 1997

Dispelling the Myths

by Samantha King

 If you're a woman like me, you have close male friends. There's a bond with these guys. They cry on your shoulder, you cry on theirs... there's a lot of laughter and mind-melding. Comfort. Beer. Its very deep. You get support. Information. About the opposite sex. What you are doing wrong, what you are doing right. You check in with each other.
 Check-in is a thing you do with someone who has a different thing from the thing you have. Now, you may at some point join things, you may have already, you may never. The point is, you feel comfortable enough with each other to check in.
 Guys, I take your advice. I watch you carefully for clues. When you dispel a myth, I take it to heart. Now, its my turn.
 It may be a sweeping generalization to say that you are holding onto information you probably received as a freshman smoking out behind the gym. The guy who gave you this information was probably some reprobate, a couple of years older than you, who rarely bathed, and went by his last name. He may have had experience - but, looking back - did you ever SEE any of these mythical sex nymphs? If you did, were his paramours up to your standard? Did their jeans zip all the way around from front to back? Yeah, neat, but not life partner material. Face it - his redeeming quality was that he had a stack of Playboys that rivaled no other. And you thought him to be a very learned man.
 Now. We are 30-something, no?
 If you are still looking for HER, I suggest we work a little on dispelling the myths about HER. We'll start with the socio-sexual myths, and maybe when we get to know each other better, we can discuss love. Women are not that hard to understand, and contrary to your belief, we want you to be happy. We like you. Really.

Women want a man with money, and it is their TOP priority. It's a selling point.

Hmmm. Let me break this down for you in layman's terms so that you can actually get laid:
  1. Women want a man with money.
    Duh. Who doesn't like money?

  2. It is their TOP priority.
    <buzz> That's where you're WRONG. We do want a man with a JOB if that's what you mean. Romeo is NOT passing his time getting stoned in front of a downtown department store, nor is he ferretting for nickels in the couch, but he does not have to make more than we do (thats your issue) for us to love him.

  3. It's a selling point.
    First of all, if you're selling yourself to me, I'm not buying. If you're talking to me and I'm digging you, I might take you down to the Bargain Basement and discuss inflation with you horizontally without ever needing to see your gold card.
     What is a selling point is the work that you do. If you LOVE it, I'm sold. Sure. Who hates a millionaire? The point is you can be anything from a performance artist to a proctologist; if it floats your boat, it lets me know that you have a LIFE - higher priority than a BMW any day. It's 1997. OUR security is no longer based on YOUR income. We like to work and have lives, too. Our security is based on whether or not you're balanced, and if you are pleased every day with how you spend it, our investment will have been worth it when you get home.

Women don't like balding men
Ha! We like MEN.
 Balding men who actually just go ahead and go bald without kicking and screaming can be incredibly sexy. But-- Why?-- How?
 Because their confidence isn't caught up in superficial caca. You don't believe me? With the exception of Ira on Mad About You, let me hep you to these chrome-dome gods;
Patrick Stewart
Yul Brynner (when he lived)
John Malkovich
Jeremy Piven (ESPECIALLY Jeremy Piven)
You think these men dont get PLAY?
 We don't prefer that you go bald, (well, maybe some of us do) but if you do, chances are the majority of us are over it already. So if you're thinking of visiting "The Hair Club for Men" on our account, please, step AWAY from the plugs...
 Women bear change. 'Twas a time when all our boyfriends had hairless chests. We were scared to death of men with hair. Then we all grew up, and you grew hair. If we like sex, we're going to have to learn to like hair. And would you look at that? We're still sleeping with you! The transition was really relatively painless. Hair on a chest means that you're a man. Yummy.
 If a 17 year- old water polo player offered himself to me now...

Where was I? I got all misty... OH! Right. Ahem-
I would miss the HAIR... really.
 Men go bald. We still like them. You're not losing it, it's just going to your chest.

Women want 12 inches
 Excuse me a minute... what's that sound? Oh! It's the sound of me...
 You can relate when I say that too big is never fun - orally or otherwise. Guys, relax.
 The average woman is only six inches deep. If you honestly believe that you are eight inches (and you're not ready to dispel that myth...) You're wasting 2.
 If you're using all eight inches, the majority of us are going to wind up with a perforated uterus. Now, is that romantic?
 I WILL say that GIRTH is a factor.
 Yep. Girth is right up there.
 So, if you're a girthy 5- incher, stop reading this and GO PROCREATE.

Women want intercourse to last for hours
 No. We want love-making to last for hours. Don't cringe, we're not always in love with you, either. My point is that if a man goes too LONG, it's like a shot of novocaine. If the FOREPLAY lasts 27 minutes to an hour, we might get there upon entry.
 If it starts with your eyes at dinner, we might even get there fully clothed in the elevator.
 For a woman, a lot of it is mental. We like the total experience to last - not just the ins and outs of the experience. (It was cheap, but I HAD to.) Really, a lot of it is up to that little button --- it has power. BE ITS FRIEND. And, by all means, gentlemen - be just that.
 When in doubt - softer & slower.
 Please don't play me as you would "Whack a Mole" at a carnival.
 I could go on all day, but I think I'll let you ruminate for now. I hope I have shattered some of the myths that have lo! these many years, been keeping you from finding true happiness... Wait.
 I hope I have shattered some of the myths that have lo! these many years been keeping you from keeping me from finding true happiness.
 Thank you for your indulgence.
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