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Volume 2, Number 11
December, 1997

Barbie's Face Lift

by The SCROOMtimes Staff

 Fat, ugly, middle-aged women around the nation can now rejoice. Their pleas have been heard, their wish granted: Barbie, the little doll with the perpetually perky breasts and the impossibly slender waistline, is getting a make over.
 You may have heard the complaints about how Barbie, for all her good intentions, has wreaked an emotional holocaust on generations of women who grew up aspiring to the unattainable ideal of beauty that Barbie represents. You've seen them, those hordes of overweight, small-chested women with bad hair pumping away on the exercise bikes at 24-Hour Nautilus with that glazed look in their eyes chanting, "Must look like Barbie. Must look like Barbie.", as they struggle valiantly to sock away another box of Bonbons.
 Sadly, it's too late to save these poor victims of "The Barbie Curse", but it's not too late to ensure the emotional well-being of our children. Yes, thanks to the tireless efforts of those hard working folks at FUSCWA (Fat Ugly Small-Chested Women of America), that little bitch has finally got what's coming to her. (Today Barbie, tomorrow the cast of Bay Watch.)
 The new and improved(?) version of Barbie will have smaller breasts, a thicker waistline, no makeup, and a dour expression on her bland face. On the plus side, she will come equipped with all the charm and personality you can cram into an oversized plastic head.
 Of course, the move was not met without a small amount of resistance, misguided though it may have been. As one Mom put it, "My kids don't care how big Barbie's boobs are, their only complaint is that the head is too big and keeps falling off." To this comment replied Irma Holstein, Founder and President of FUSCWA, "That is exactly what men want in women, enormous breasts and a little head."
 On behalf of the entire staff of the Scroomtimes we say to Ms Holstein, "Amen, sister!"
 But back to the Barbie transformation, we here at the Scroomtimes say why stop there. If our goal is to transform Barbie into the spokes, excuse me...spokesperson for the entire female gender, someone who represents all women of all shapes and sizes, then lets create a whole line of Average Woman Barbies. Barbies such as:
  • Welfare Mom Barbie
  • Hooker Barbie
  • Pregnant Barbie
  • Teenage Pregnancy Barbie
  • Crack Addict Barbie
  • Uptight Bitch Barbie
  • Heroin Chic Barbie
  • Bulimic Barbie
  • Lesbian Barbie

 (Of course, it could be effectively argued that the New and Improved Barbie already in stores is the "Lesbian Barbie", but I digress.)
 And why stop there? What about the unreachable goals established for men by such childhood toys as "GI Joe" and Barbie's little boy-toy Ken? I mean really, how many of us men have been traumatized by the implied notion that an average-looking guy with bad hair and no perceptible genitalia has a shot at bagging a hot-looking number like Barbie? How many of us, in the heat of battle, have set our sights on the tastiest morsel on the menu and braced ourselves with the thought that, "Hell, if that weasel Ken can do it...", only to get shot down time after time in increasingly horrifying and publicly humiliating fashions.
 For all you men out there, our crack team of researchers here at the Scroomtimes offer these suggestions for more "Average Guy-Friendly Ken Dolls":
  • Couch Potato Ken
  • Hangover Ken
  • Butt crack Ken
  • Wife Beater Ken
  • Nintendo-Geek Ken
  • Loser Who Can Never Get A Date Ken
  • Illegitimate Father Ken
  • Slobbering Drunk Ken

 Bear in mind, we here at the Scroomtimes realize that the only way to truly be fair is to manufacture and distribute personalized Ken and Barbie dolls representing every man, woman and child who has ever lived, past, present and future, and require each and every child in America to purchase and spend an equal amount of time playing with each and every one. We at the Scroomtimes are in favor of just such a proposal, inasmuch as we have all recently purchased enormous shares of Mattel stock.
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