Buy a Damned T-Shirt!
Volume 2, Number 11
December, 1997

Fiona Jane Speaks Out
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

By Fiona Jane

 I always think fondly of Christmas... in June. Any other month is too close to forget the trauma and terror that was the Christmas before and to ignore the Christmas ahead.
 I start to panic when the first catalogues come out in Ho Ho Ho-October. My best-friend Susan was born on the 30th of December which means that I usually splurge on her presents as a result have little left spend on the other members of my large and extended family.
 I then ponder "Did Auntie Jan give me that vase last year, and if so, can I give it to Mum without either of them noticing?", "Will anyone believe me if I say I gave a gift voucher to a starving child in Rwanda for their present?" and "Is Grandad senile enough to cut me out of the any inheritance if I donít get him a good present?"
 The answers to my questions are usually no, no and yes in that order. If you haven't gone through your own Christmas Quiz yet, here you go.
  1. It's time to decorate the Christmas Tree. What do you choose to use?
    1. Strings of popcorn, fairy lights, tinsel and an angel on the top
    2. Whatever the neighbours don't miss off their tree
    3. Barbed wire and detonators
    4. The durable plastic stuff that is still left on from last year
  2. You really don't like your partner's mother, yet are obliged to buy her a present. Do you get her:
    1. Gorgeous lingerie in two sizes too small
    2. An engraved nasal-hair trimmer
    3. A mundane bath salts and oil collection
    4. A mug that says "It's not a bald patch, it's a solar panel for a sex machine"
  3. It's the middle of the office party, you're:
    1. Trying to find your friend who's rumoured to be swimming naked in the executive pool
    2. So pissed you can hardly form the words "I think I'm gonna be siiiiick"
    3. In the middle of a large chain of cha cha dancers from another party - and having much more fun!
    4. Desperately warding off advances from your works biggest loser
  4. Your father and uncle have started their annual "Who should carve the turkey argument", you:
    1. Pull up a chair and watch in amusement, calling everyone over as they start to push each other
    2. Signal to your favourite cousin and meet in the usual hiding spot with a good bottle of port
    3. Grab the carving knife and threaten to start on one of them unless they shut up
    4. Really don't care
  5. You find yourself under the mistletoe with your ancient great-aunt. Do you:
    1. Kiss her chastely and wish her a Merry Christmas
    2. Yank her chin up by the whiskers and kiss her passionately
    3. Run like the wind
    4. Ignore her wind
  6. At Christmas, your family:
    1. Really embody the spirit of peace and goodwill to all
    2. Should be placed in a kennel until the holidays are over
    3. Look forward to the special mock turkey dinner served at the local penitentiary
    4. Just seems as crazy as everyone else's for a change.

 There's no need to score this quiz, I mean as we all know Santa's gonna find out who's naughty or nice anyway, but if you recognised yourself somewhere in between the fighting family, the dog choking on a chicken bone, the crappy gifts and the recycled decorations... relax, everything's normal.
 If you saw yourself with the family, soberly singing carols, decorating the tree with fresh popcorn strings and lashing out on wanted presents; what's wrong with you? Don't you have any modern Christmas spirit?!?

love, Fiona
[an error occurred while processing this directive]