Volume 2, Number 4 -- April, 1997
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Volume 2, Number 4 -- April, 1997 |
 
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by Maria E. Villanueva
This past Monday evening, I had been feeling very emotional.
I figured it was the beautiful full moon, because I really had
nothing to feel all that emotional about. I had been feeling
great all day. Full of confidence and vigor. Later that day I
ran across Gilberto. We had a long discussion about many things,
primarily our relationship. THEN I had something to be emotional
about. And I was. Terribly. I cried all the way back from
Woodland. One whole hour. I couldn't stop.
When I got home to pick up Aaron, I felt this big relief, but
I was exhausted. Later that night I took out my notebook and
began writing.
Suddenly this image pops into my mind and I was drawn into it
as if I were living it again. It must have been the middle of the
night. I couldn't sleep. I was feeling remorseful for some
reason. Guilty for upsetting my mother and father. So I got up
and did something that they asked of me constantly. I cleaned the
kitchen and the living room. You could have eaten off the floors.
Then I set the tea pot on the stove so that when they awoke, all
they had to do was turn the stove on. On the kitchen table, I set
the cups, spoons, coffee, and sugar. I did it beautifully, then
sat down to write them a note of apology for being a horrible
daughter. I made the comment that "...someday I would pay
for all the bad I'd done." What a terrible thing to say
about myself. And that's when it hit me. "IT'S TIME TO STOP
PUNISHING YOURSELF." It's incredible and yet terrible to
finally realize how unworthy I have felt all these years. As I
retraced my life, I found that, to this day, there isn't one
thing I should be ashamed of. We all do stupid things, many
stupid things. But they are experiences that help us grow.
They may perhaps, boggle our consciousness because of our
culture, our upbringing and our beliefs. But as I look deep into
my soul, I find that it's clean and pure.
Once upon a time I went in search of myself. I went out to
explore new religions to look for peace for my filthy soul. But
what I found was that I had been looking in all the wrong places.
I took a moment to analyze what it was that I was really
searching for. I then stopped seeking peace in strange places, in
people who claimed to be true and good, and yet proved to me the
opposite. I decided to stop looking for SOMETHING to believe in
and finally decided to start searching within myself. That's
where I needed to look. And I did. And I thought I had found
what I was looking for. I felt peace, I felt love, I felt
confidence, I felt independence and power. I had indeed found
myself. Life was a wonderful place.
But I realize now that what I have found is only the first
step into a long journey in finding the real me.
Maria E. Villanueva 3/27/97
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