Volume 2, Number 5 -- May, 1997

Buy a Damned T-Shirt!
Fiona Jane Speaks Ouit

Fiona Jane

 Making our way through the world takes great wisdom in many subjects. One of these vitally important areas is fashion. My convictions have led me through the fashion world to become the doyenne that I am, and now dear reader, I pass them on to you.

Black Underwear with white clothes:
Uggh. Why anyone would possibly commit this atrocity is beyond my comprehension. People generally assume that you are wearing underwear, so making them painfully aware of it is just not acceptable. If you really want to show them, just take your other clothes off. ((cheers from SCROOMtime's publisher!)) Otherwise stick to white, cream or skintone.
Brown and Black:
Now, this is similar to blue and black, but due to the current popularity of brown, it had to be modified. Make sure your browns are easily distinguishable from your blacks. Never let people think that you dressed in the dark and couldn't tell them apart.
Crop tops for men:
It seems to be a trait that is confined to Americans (thank goodness), but it is one that has to be eradicated completely. Look Rusty, I don't want to see your hairy bellybutton unless a) you happen to be jogging along the beach with your muscly body glistening with sweat or b) you happen to be sleeping with me and your muscly body is glistening with sweat.
Dark Blue and Black:
Some people say `blue and green should never be seen unless there's a colour in between' but I disagree. It's navy and black that is the real offence. Don't assume that just because colours are similar they go together. Think about pink and red... see? Of course, if your navy top happened to have a black motif on it, it would then be OK and the rule would no longer apply.
Fat People Clothes:
Really, really fat is glaringly obvious and there's not much that can be done about that without surgery, but even if you're just having a `fat day', please don't shroud it with ugly shapeless clothes. While there are some things that can be done to flatter any parts of your body that you don't like, there is no long-term way to disguise what you look like. If you're a short fat person, it'd be nice if you were a well dressed one!
G-Strings under Skirts:
Two of my favourite people in the world (and all the guys I know) have no problem with this but I do. I've recently notice a certain table at our favourite club is always packed with guys staring upward. I was wondering why until I correlated the facts that through the glass looks the entire way up the stairs and the majority of people going upstairs were nubile 18 yr olds (and younger, I'd say) wearing brief skirts and even briefer underwear. Quite undignified. (Note to Steph: Your solution of casting them away completely does have its merits, but what happens if you drop something afterwards??)
Polyester Prints:
The material itself I have no problem with. Swathe yourself from head to toe in it... I don't care, just make sure your pattern shows some decorum. I mean, I like the retro look as much as the next wannabe funkster, but please, please handle it with care. Your Dad's pastel blue safari suit is fine. I understand the look completely, but when you team it with your brown polyester shirt with the red and cream flowers?! Andy Gibb died for a reason.
Sneakers and jeans:
I'm not talking about your suede sneakers here, nor your expensive running shoes that you only run in when the poorer people are trying to rip them off you, I'm talking white leather (or even worse, imitation leather) sneakers with your jeans. I know they're comfortable and I know you think it's an acceptable look - well Seinfeld, I've got news for you...its not!
VPL (Visible Panty Line):
The only time I will ever use the word panty is in this context. Indeed, what other word could be used to convey the travesty that the VPL is. You've seen it before, your friend is wearing a pair of pants that are just too tight and when they bend over you can just about make out every stich of the underwear. This is where a G-string (for guys or girls, suit yourself) or another outfit is imperative. I know you don't want to say anything (too tight clothes = you are fat) but please do. Two bottom cheeks are plenty, thank you.
Wrong length pants:
A deceptively simple piece of clothing, the pants. In the middle of the spectrum of pants wearers, you just have your normally dressed person but look at the ends and you have disaster. At the short end, there's way too much ankle (and sock for men) showing, and at the long end, there's the rollers. You know, rolling up their jeans so high that you're not surprised when they have to get their legs amputated at the knees. My friends and I call it `waiting for the flood', which by the way won't happen and if it did, it wouldn't matter if your jeans were rolled up or not. So stop it.

 There are hundreds more dressing no-no's (think textures with prints, mismatching plaids, socks and sandals concurrently, boot-scooting clothes on OR off the dance floor) but I think I'd better leave it there before I really get worked up.
 I hope these will guide you safely past any major fashion blunders. If you disagree with any of them, please write to me at fiona@scroom.com and let me know.
 I'm always interested to know the names of the people I laugh at in the street.
 Best of luck,
 Fiona Jane
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