Volume 2, Number 6 -- June, 1997

Buy a Damned T-Shirt!
Fiona Jane Speaks Ouit

Fiona Jane

 Often has it been said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Metaphorically, this may well be correct, but I've always found a forcefully driven fist through the ribcage (AFDFTTR) to be far more effective.
 Unfortunately, this method tends to be a little messy and should only be used as a last resort when your charm, intelligence and looks have failed to work their usual magic. Another problem associated with AFDFTTR is that when you say "My ex-boyfriend died of a broken heart", you're usually telling the truth.
 To capture to a woman's heart, far more tact and discretion is needed. No more Neanderthal pick-up techniques; far more finesse is needed from the modern man. Observe the following DO's and DONT's:
  • DO call her when you say you will. If you get her answering machine, leave a message even if you do think that it's pathetic to talk to inanimate objects.
  • DON'T expect her to hold on the phone when an important part of the football is on.

  • DO make an effort to be friends with her best-friend.
  • DON'T try to sleep with her best-friend.

  • DO introduce her to your parents
  • DON'T introduce her as ‘one of the chicks I'm currently fu....

  • DO remember her birthday, major (and minor) anniversaries, and other important dates to her.
  • DON'T confuse them with any of your ex-girlfriends. It'll never be forgiven (or forgotten), irrespective of the fact that she'll laugh and say that it doesn’t matter.

  • DO make sure that you spend quality time together.
  • DON'T think taking her out for pizza and beers with the boys constitutes quality time

  • DO show her how much you care about her
  • DON'T do it through an old tattoo. Susan, Rebekah, Jodi, Sam, Steph, Her.

  • DO be aware that just by being female she has the right to be as nice or as difficult as she pleases, for whatever reasons, and whenever she wants.
  • DON'T ever ever ask if she's just angry because it's that time of the month. You're taking your life into your own hands with that one!

  • DO let her talk to her ex-boyfriend. She's with you now and you have no reason to be jealous. Besides, it's sort of flattering to see how he still wants her, but she doesn't want him.
  • DON'T be too friendly with your ex-girlfriend. You're with her now, and she'll have every reason to be jealous. Besides, it's sort of infuriating to see how your ex- still flirts with you.

  • DO watch Melrose/Drew Carey/G-Force/Friends with her. This provides you with a good bargaining point when the 12 hour car race/big men doing something sporty/Beavis & Butthead Special/Miss World Contest is on.
  • DON'T talk all the way through her programs but insist on silence throughout yours (even in the ad breaks!!)

  • DO surprise her with flowers or dinner on non-special occasions
  • DON'T surprise her with photos of you naked with various members of her family - on any occasion!

  • DO be supportive when she's upset, even if you don't understand why it matters if Debbie was talking to Julie about Sonya who used to go out with David the night she wore the same dress as Jane to the party at her cousin's house. It does. All you need to know is that she is upset, and needs a little sympathy.
  • DON'T say "So what/You're staining my shirt/Can you pass that remote control over here"

 See?! They seem pretty easy don’t they? No-one ever said that a pound of flesh was required to keep a good relationship running smoothly (except in my case with the good old AFDFTTR)!
 Assuming the chemistry is correct in your relationship (current or planned), I'll bet you that following these rules will not only make it far easier to maintain, but you’ll find it far more satisfying as well.
 If this groundwork is followed successfully, you could find yourself absolutely swamped with wanton women, due to the following principle.
 When a girl is in a fantastic relationship, she raves about it to anyone that will listen. This is partly because she is so happy, and partly because she likes to rub it in to others who aren't. Multiply the amount of people told by a factor of five and you'll get a rough idea of how many people know. If they then break up, EVERYONE who heard how good the guy was, will want to have a shot at the title.
 The more modest of the girls (me for example) will only flirt mildly to test the interest factor, whereas those who are less virtuous will stop at nothing less than throwing the guy against the nearest wall and propositioning them in the lewdest manner.
 So, give it a go... You win, she wins, everyone wins! What have you got to lose?
Fiona Jane
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