Often has it been said that the way to a man's heart is through his
stomach. Metaphorically, this may well be correct, but I've always
found a forcefully driven fist through the ribcage (AFDFTTR) to be
far more effective.
Unfortunately, this method tends to be a little messy and should
only be used as a last resort when your charm, intelligence and
looks have failed to work their usual magic. Another problem
associated with AFDFTTR is that when you say "My ex-boyfriend died
of a broken heart", you're usually telling the truth.
To capture to a woman's heart, far more tact and discretion is
needed. No more Neanderthal pick-up techniques; far more finesse
is needed from the modern man. Observe the following DO's and DONT's:
- DO call her when you say you will. If you get her answering
machine, leave a message even if you do think that it's
pathetic to talk to inanimate objects.
- DON'T expect her to hold on the phone when an important part
of the football is on.
- DO make an effort to be friends with her best-friend.
- DON'T try to sleep with her best-friend.
- DO introduce her to your parents
- DON'T introduce her as ‘one of the chicks I'm currently fu....
- DO remember her birthday, major (and minor) anniversaries, and
other important dates to her.
- DON'T confuse them with any of your ex-girlfriends. It'll never
be forgiven (or forgotten), irrespective of the fact that she'll
laugh and say that it doesn’t matter.
- DO make sure that you spend quality time together.
- DON'T think taking her out for pizza and beers with the boys
constitutes quality time
- DO show her how much you care about her
- DON'T do it through an old tattoo. Susan, Rebekah, Jodi, Sam,
- DO be aware that just by being female she has the right to be
as nice or as difficult as she pleases, for whatever reasons,
and whenever she wants.
- DON'T ever ever ask if she's just angry because it's that time
of the month. You're taking your life into your own hands with
- DO let her talk to her ex-boyfriend. She's with you now and you
have no reason to be jealous. Besides, it's sort of flattering
to see how he still wants her, but she doesn't want him.
- DON'T be too friendly with your ex-girlfriend. You're with her
now, and she'll have every reason to be jealous. Besides, it's
sort of infuriating to see how your ex- still flirts with you.
- DO watch Melrose/Drew Carey/G-Force/Friends with her. This
provides you with a good bargaining point when the 12 hour car
race/big men doing something sporty/Beavis & Butthead Special/Miss
World Contest is on.
- DON'T talk all the way through her programs but insist on silence
throughout yours (even in the ad breaks!!)
- DO surprise her with flowers or dinner on non-special occasions
- DON'T surprise her with photos of you naked with various members
of her family - on any occasion!
- DO be supportive when she's upset, even if you don't understand
why it matters if Debbie was talking to Julie about Sonya who
used to go out with David the night she wore the same dress as
Jane to the party at her cousin's house. It does. All you need
to know is that she is upset, and needs a little sympathy.
- DON'T say "So what/You're staining my shirt/Can you pass that
remote control over here"
See?! They seem pretty easy don’t they? No-one ever said that a pound
of flesh was required to keep a good relationship running smoothly
(except in my case with the good old AFDFTTR)!
Assuming the chemistry is correct in your relationship (current or
planned), I'll bet you that following these rules will not only make
it far easier to maintain, but you’ll find it far more satisfying as
If this groundwork is followed successfully, you could find yourself
absolutely swamped with wanton women, due to the following principle.
When a girl is in a fantastic relationship, she raves about it to
anyone that will listen. This is partly because she is so happy,
and partly because she likes to rub it in to others who aren't.
Multiply the amount of people told by a factor of five and you'll
get a rough idea of how many people know. If they then break up,
EVERYONE who heard how good the guy was, will want to have a shot
at the title.
The more modest of the girls (me for example) will only flirt mildly
to test the interest factor, whereas those who are less virtuous
will stop at nothing less than throwing the guy against the nearest
wall and propositioning them in the lewdest manner.
So, give it a go... You win, she wins, everyone wins! What have you
got to lose?