Talk to Her, You Pathetic Geek
Hey kids! Skipbot down with you once again. When I say 'down with you', I am of course being literal. You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to lower myself to your collective intellectual level, but I do it each and every month. Why? Because I love you all so very much. You know folks, Unca Skippy has been remiss these past few columns. I've been so busy discussing the trivial issues like politics and such, that I sort of lost sight of the big picture, the reason I pound these babies out once a lunar cycle. I am here to help you, the lame, the sick, the socially unredeemable, have a semblance of a life.
With that in mind let's move on to this month's topic. I go out occasionally to bars where people go to mingle and meet. I have noticed a trend: guys aren't very good a talking to women. Now I don't mean that guys still use lame ass lines like "What's your sign," or anything like that. No, the problem is that many men have actual physical problems talking to a woman. By physical problems I mean that they can't make their feet carry them to the women's vicinity. If they do manage to get their feet started, they are incapable of making them stop when they do get near her. If they actually are able to get their motor skills engaged long enough so that they are standing right next to her, they wind up unable to say anything. It's sad, it's pathetic, but luckily I am here to help.
First we have to look at the reasons behind this strange paralyzation. We can safely narrow it down to one primary cause. We are as a species, a pack of cowardly geeks. Now I know what you are all saying, "Not me Skip, I have no fear of talking to the fairer sex!" Let tell you something boys, don't ever call me Skip again, you pathetic lying slob. If you had no fear of women you would be having sex right now instead of talking to a computer screen. The first step in solving your problem is to recognize that it is there. So everyone together now: "I am a pathetic little man who fears women, social contact and peach sorbet." There now, don't you feel healthier already? I knew that you would. (Sorry about the peach sorbet part, but what the hell, it's not everyday I get a pack of geeks to talk to their computer screens. I need to have my fun.)
So how do we solve this little dilemma? How do we get past this fear of the opposite sex? That's simple - we don't, not ever. A frightened man is an alert man. Since the average woman is a whole lot smarter than you, alertness is about all you have going for you. So go ahead, be afraid, there is no shame in it. The key is moving beyond that fear and making contact in spite of it. I have talked to many women, my friends and more of them have said no than said yes. As a matter of fact, I have probably been rejected more times and with more variations than most men. Has it caused any lasting damage? Has my hair fallen out in clumps? Have I lost the ability to walk? Have I lost the ability to appreciate the good things in life? Have I been locked in a little room to write advice to morons for the rest of my life? No! Wait a minute. Scratch that last one, that did happen but it had nothing whatsoever to do with talking to women. The point, gentlemen, is that you will suffer no irreversible damage (save possibly marriage) from talking to women. As a matter of fact, there really isn't anything she can do to you save ignore you. That really is about as bad as it gets. So get out there and talk to that girl!
OK, so now you are stoked and ready to talk to her. What do you say? This, aside from abject terror, is the number one reason men do not talk to women. I have seen men spend an entire evening staring at woman while trying to come up with just the right line. Only to see her do the grope in the corner with a guy who gave her an empty beer bottle and said "Here's a present for you." My point is that it doesn't matter what you say to women. I have heard all of the sure-fire lines in the book, and allow me to let you in on a little secret. If she isn't attracted to you, it really doesn't matter what you say to her, because she isn't listening. If she is attracted to you, her mind is going to turn anything you say into the wittiest, most charming remark ever heard. Here is what you say to her. It is guaranteed to work every time. "Hi my name is Fill-in-the-Blank, how's it going?" Now when I say that line is guaranteed, I mean that it will always elicit a response. If she yawns and mumbles something back at you, say "great" and move on to the next lady. If she perks up and actually tries to answer your question then you are golden, my boy.
You see men, all talking to a woman does is signal your interest. You are basically letting her know that you find her attractive and are asking if she finds you attractive. That is why it doesn't matter what you say to her verbally. She already is well aware of what it is that you want just by the fact that you approached her. So don't waste your time coming up with the world's best pickup line. If Brad Pitt walks up to a woman in a bar and says "Did you know Willard Scott was the first Ronald McDonald?" she is going to sleep with him. On the other hand, that guy down the hall (you know, the one who doesn't trust the shower for his personal hygiene needs) could tell that same woman that he has a Porsche and solid gold privates and she would pour her drink down his pants. When it comes right down to it, boys, she is looking at you the same way you looked at her, she's just smart enough to wait for you to make the first move. With God's help, we men can be just stupid enough to make it.