Volume 2, Number 6 -- June, 1997
  
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Talk to Her, You Pathetic Geek
Hey kids!
Skipbot down with you once again. When I say 'down with
you', I am of course being literal. You can't imagine how difficult
it is for me to lower myself to your collective intellectual level,
but I do it each and every month. Why? Because I love you all
so very much. You know folks, Unca Skippy has been remiss these
past few columns. I've been so busy discussing the trivial issues
like politics and such, that I sort of lost sight of the big picture,
the reason I pound these babies out once a lunar cycle. I am here
to help you, the lame, the sick, the socially unredeemable, have
a semblance of a life.
With that in mind let's move on to this month's topic. I go out
occasionally to bars where people go to mingle and meet. I have
noticed a trend: guys aren't very good a talking to women. Now
I don't mean that guys still use lame ass lines like "What's
your sign," or anything like that. No, the problem is that
many men have actual physical problems talking to a woman. By
physical problems I mean that they can't make their feet carry
them to the women's vicinity. If they do manage to get their
feet started, they are incapable of making them stop when they
do get near her. If they actually are able to get their motor
skills engaged long enough so that they are standing right next
to her, they wind up unable to say anything. It's sad, it's pathetic,
but luckily I am here to help.
First we have to look at the reasons behind this strange paralyzation.
We can safely narrow it down to one primary cause. We are as a
species, a pack of cowardly geeks. Now I know what you are all
saying, "Not me Skip, I have no fear of talking to the fairer
sex!" Let tell you something boys, don't ever call me Skip
again, you pathetic lying slob. If you had no fear of women you
would be having sex right now instead of talking to a computer
screen. The first step in solving your problem is to recognize that
it is there. So everyone together now: "I am a pathetic little
man who fears women, social contact and peach sorbet." There
now, don't you feel healthier already? I knew that you would. (Sorry
about the peach sorbet part, but what the hell, it's not everyday
I get a pack of geeks to talk to their computer screens. I need
to have my fun.)
So how do we solve this little dilemma? How do we get past this
fear of the opposite sex? That's simple - we don't, not ever. A
frightened man is an alert man. Since the average woman is a whole
lot smarter than you, alertness is about all you have going for
you. So go ahead, be afraid, there is no shame in it. The key
is moving beyond that fear and making contact in spite of it.
I have talked to many women, my friends and more of them have said
no than said yes. As a matter of fact, I have probably been rejected
more times and with more variations than most men. Has it caused
any lasting damage? Has my hair fallen out in clumps? Have I lost
the ability to walk? Have I lost the ability to appreciate the
good things in life? Have I been locked in a little room to write
advice to morons for the rest of my life? No! Wait a minute. Scratch that
last one, that did happen but it had nothing whatsoever to do
with talking to women. The point, gentlemen, is that you will
suffer no irreversible damage (save possibly marriage) from talking
to women. As a matter of fact, there really isn't anything she
can do to you save ignore you. That really is about as bad as
it gets. So get out there and talk to that girl!
OK, so now you are stoked and ready to talk to her. What do you
say? This, aside from abject terror, is the number one reason
men do not talk to women. I have seen men spend an entire evening
staring at woman while trying to come up with just the right line.
Only to see her do the grope in the corner with a guy who gave
her an empty beer bottle and said "Here's a present for you."
My point is that it doesn't matter what you say to women. I have
heard all of the sure-fire lines in the book, and allow me to let
you in on a little secret. If she isn't attracted to you, it really
doesn't matter what you say to her, because she isn't listening.
If she is attracted to you, her mind is going to turn anything
you say into the wittiest, most charming remark ever heard. Here
is what you say to her. It is guaranteed to work every time. "Hi
my name is Fill-in-the-Blank, how's it going?" Now when
I say that line is guaranteed, I mean that it will always elicit
a response. If she yawns and mumbles something back at you, say
"great" and move on to the next lady. If she perks up
and actually tries to answer your question then you are golden,
my boy.
You see men, all talking to a woman does is signal your interest.
You are basically letting her know that you find her attractive
and are asking if she finds you attractive. That is why it doesn't
matter what you say to her verbally. She already is well aware
of what it is that you want just by the fact that you approached
her. So don't waste your time coming up with the world's best pickup
line. If Brad Pitt walks up to a woman in a bar and says "Did
you know Willard Scott was the first Ronald McDonald?" she
is going to sleep with him. On the other hand, that guy down the
hall (you know, the one who doesn't trust the shower for his personal
hygiene needs) could tell that same woman that he has a Porsche and
solid gold privates and she would pour her drink down his pants. When
it comes right down to it, boys, she is looking at you the same way
you looked at her, she's just smart enough to wait for you to make
the first move. With God's help, we men can be just stupid enough
to make it.
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