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Volume 2, Number 7 -- July, 1997

Fiona Jane Speaks Ouit

The Breakup

Fiona Jane

 So... I'm working away, concentrating deeply on the task at hand, when the phone rings.
 "HI DARLING. WHAT'S WRONG??" It's my best friend.
 "OH MY GOD". He's dumped her;
 "REALLY?!" In a most humiliating manner.
 "F@CKING BASTARD" I knew it!!!
 Anyway, the conversation continues on from there. She sniffles, swears, yells and cries during the next 30 minutes, all about the same question!
 Well, regardless of whatever feeble excuses he gave, the reason he broke up with you is because he's a bastard, but look carefully at what he said, and then you'll know the reason why.
 EXCUSE: "It's just not a good time for me right now..."
 RESPONSE: What?? Midday?
 MEANING: It's not a good time for me to be in a relationship with you right now. It is, however, a good time for me to go out a lot, get drunk a lot and pick up a lot. (Without you; hence the break-up.)
 ACTION: Tell everyone you broke up with him because you realised it's not the right time for the two of you right now. Sure, you cared about him, but you were mature enough to realise that it just wasn't working. While you're having this conversation discreetly let it be known that he has also just discovered his true sexuality and that the National Society for Necrophiliacs is sure to get in contact with him soon.
 CREDIBILITY RATING: Pretty low. I mean did he really have to be so ambiguous? A paltry 3/10 from FJ.
 EXCUSE: "It's not you, it's me."
 RESPONSE: Obviously; otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation.
 MEANING: I don't want to go out with you anymore, but I don't want you to think that it's your fault.
 ACTION: He's right; it wasn't you. It was he who was diagnosed as carrying a rare virus which shrunk his genitals down to the size of confectionary fruits complete with syrupy discharge. You did your best, but in the end, you both decided that you deserved more than he could ever give you. And on you go...
 CREDIBILITY RATING: This isn't so bad, at least he's concerned about your feelings in a shallow and cowardly manner. FJ rates this as a 6/10 break-up excuse.
 EXCUSE: "I think we were getting too serious."
 RESPONSE: What do you mean? I still haven't met your best friend or worn your favourite jumper!
 MEANING: I was only dating you so I could have sex with you. Since you seemed to think that I wanted more than that, I think I should break it off now before you tell other people that we are a couple - I'd hate to limit my options, you know.
 ACTION: Start bawling and tell him you're pregnant and you're going to keep the baby and you're just about to tell his family. Not that you really are, of course, but that's probably what his worst nightmare is made of. Imagine the reactions he'll go through until you tell him the truth; they'll make yours pale into insignificance!
 CREDIBILITY RATING: I can understand people saying this when finding out that their partner is the human equivalent to a Black Widow spider or has been married 5 times (and she's only 23), but in all other cases this is just a cheap cop-out and is not to be accepted as rational. FJ says 4/10.
 EXCUSE: "I need more space."
 RESPONSE: So I guess Jenny Craig's my only option if I want this relationship to work, huh?
 MEANING: Absolutely nothing, he just couldn't think of any other piss weak excuse to tell you that he didn't want to see you anymore.
 ACTION: Tell everyone that the trauma of the break-up has given you a terrible eating disorder that was triggered by his use of the word 'space'. As a bizarre twist to the story, tell them about the way he used to criticize you at restaurants, but then go on three-day eating binges directly after. Food for thought.
 CREDIBILITY RATING: Is he serious? What he needs is more brains. 2/10 on the FJ-o-meter.
 EXCUSE: "Maybe we should just be friends."
 RESPONSE: What do you mean 'friends'?
 MEANING: He could mean a number of things by this one:
  1. He might just think that it didn't work out (which he is entirely justified to say) but really values the friendship and doesnt want to lose it. Good, but unlikely.
  2. He doesn't ever want to see you again, but knows that if you say that you'll get all hysterical and probably cry on his suede jacket which he just got dry-cleaned.
  3. In between. He probably wants to screw (sorry, make love to) you every now and then but doesn't want to deal with the guilt and other repercussions when he screws (sorry, makes love to) someone else.
 ACTION: Well what can you do? If you think he's genuine, then work out whether a friendship is really going to work. If that is what the relationship was initially based on, then it is more likley that it can.
 Whatever you decide on; be extremely wary. Remember, this is a person that you had feelings for - and he knows it!
 CREDIBILITY RATING: Depends. Ranges from an 8/10 (honest) to 4/10 (dishonest but paid the courtesy of saying the friendship is valuable).

love, Fiona
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