Volume 2, Number 7 -- July, 1997
The All Star Break
By The Professor
The All Star break is upon us and you know what that means. That's right, nothing. Absolutely nothing. Zip. Nada. Zero. Tino Martinez wins the home run title, the AL wins the game. Sandy Alomar Jr wins the MVP and none of it matters.
In fact, the All Star break can actually be a bad thing if you happen to be married to a person who views it as their one chance to drag you away from the TV and force " Family Time" down your throat. The nerve!
On the other hand, since the All Star break does span three days and only provides two actual days of entertainment (don't ask me to explain it, it makes no more sense to me than it does to you), it does leave us with one free day to relax and enjoy the finer things in life. Now remember, this time is valuable and must not be squandered on silly, meaningless pursuits. Make it a point to do something that will enrich you and help you grow as a person. I plan to watch the best movies ever from all the major sports.
Yes, Football, Baseball, Basketball, Hockey, Boxing, and Golf. 'Twelve consecutive hours of uninterrupted sports viewing on a big screen TV with surround sound and cup holders and popcorn and no kids and ... and ... and ... beer. Lots and lots of beer. Sound like fun? Well then, come on in and lets see what the old Professor has in his film library under the heading of:
BEST BASEBALL MOVIE: Major League (Charlie Sheen, Tom Bangor) RUNNER UP: Bull Durham (Kevin Costar, Tim Robins, Susan Sarandon)
Now before all you serious-type movie critics start rearing your hair out and screaming about acting and screenplays and character development and cinematography and all that other happy horseshit, let me say one thing. Any movie that a chick might have cried at is disqualified. I liked "Field of Dreams" and "The Natural" as much as the next guy, but the one thing we DON'T want to happen during our Sports Film Fest is for the little woman to see what we're watching and put down the laundry hamper to watch with us. This is our day, or one of them anyway, and should not be intruded upon by the enemy. Therefore, any movie that a large number of chicks liked is not to be included.
Which is why Major League edged out Bull Durham for the title. "Durham" had some of the best on-field dialogue ever to grace a baseball flick but focused just a bit too much on the "relationship" aspect of the "broken down catcher-bimbo" relationship. In "Major League", the "broken down catcher-bimbo" relationship was secondary to the primary plot line: beating the Yankees and winning the pennant. Besides, any movie with Susan Sarandon in it loses points automatically.
Now, since we opened with a whimsical, light-hearted comedy I think it's time we moved on to something with a little more bite (no Tyson pun intended).
BEST FOOTBALL MOVIE: North Dallas Forty (Mac Davis, Nick Nolte, The Tooz) RUNNER UP: The Longest Yard (Burt Reynolds, Eddie Albert)
If any of you even think of mentioning "Jerry Maguire" you either did not read the preceding paragraph or you should stop reading this right now and go rearrange the doilies on your sofa armrests.
Mac Davis and John Matuzak turn in the finest performances in their acting careers in "North Dallas 40" as Nick Nolte exposes drug abuse and excesses of NFL life. All this and breast shots too.
Moving right along, it's time to see what the Hockey venue has to offer:
BEST HOCKEY MOVIE: Slapshot (Paul Newman, the Hanson Brothers) RUNNER UP: Youngblood (Rob Lowe, Chick With a Really Nice Rack)
There should be no argument over "Slapshot" being ranked as the best hockey flick of all time. The only controversy might come from the lowly regarded "Youngblood" being selected as runner up. But how can you not like a movie who's major plot development centers on a wimpy, sensitive sissy-boy who grows up and learns how to drop gloves like a real man and whoop ass on the bad guy.
After "Slapshot", its time to get dramatic:
BEST BASKETBALL MOVIE: Hoosiers (Gene Hackman, Dennis Hopper) RUNNER UP: The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh (Julius Erving)
There was no real competition in this category and for good reason. How can you beat Hackman and Hopper in the same flick? We run the slight risk of violating the chick rule with this one, which is why "The Fish..." was selected as the runner up. If any chicks wander by, pop out "Hoosiers" and jam in "The Fish..." and watch the ladies flee.
Once the net comes down on "Hoosiers", its time for a bit of a levity break before the grand finale:
BEST GOLF MOVIE: Caddyshack (Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield) RUNNER UP: Happy Gilmore (Adam Sandler, Carl Weathers')
You ladies can take "Tin Cup" and jam it. This here is MAN territory and the men say "CADDYSHACK RULES!" Some of the all-time funniest Bill Murray gags came from this movie. Who can forget the Baby Ruth in the swimming pool or "It's in the hole! It's in the hole!"
Ah, Bill. You are the man.
Now, seeing as how we're all relaxed and loosened up. We've gone to the bathroom and popped open a fresh beer.We are ready for the main event. We are ready for:
BEST BOXING MOVIE: Rocky (Sylvester Stallone, Carl Weathers) RUNNER UP: Diggstown (Louis Gossett Jr, James Woods, Bruce Dern)
This was by far the toughest category to rate. Every atom in my body wanted to give the title to "Raging Bull" on the basis of sheer blood content plus the "Joe Pesci-Robert DeNiro yelling At Each Other" factor.
But, in the end, I decided that what this movie viewing day needed as the perfect capper was a "Stand-Up-And-Cheer" ending and that, my friends, can best be delivered by our old friend Rocky, who is better in defeat than most of us will ever be in victory.
This, then, is your Post All Star Game Movie Viewing Guide. I only hope it will help you bridge the long, lonely hours between the first and second halves of the season.