Buy a Damned T-Shirt!
Volume 2 , Number 10
October , 1997

Fiona Jane Speaks Ouit Get Lost!

by Fiona Jane

 I'm looking forward to telling my mother that I have lost my job. For the eighteen years that I lived with her, she always knew how to find everything else I lost.
 Occasionally she would go with the inane "Well, where did you leave it?" but generally she'd offer the helpful "Where was the last place that you saw it?". From there, we'd trace the steps of the missing object until we found it. Wedged down the side of the bed, accidentally tossed into the rubbish, or prised from the dog's jaws, it didn't matter where - she could always find whatever had been lost.
 I only grew to appreciate and resent the efficiency of her careful detective work as an adolescent. It became important to find things before she did. "Mom, have you seen a small bag of illegal substances anywhere?" - not likely! "Mom where did I put that fake ID that I use when I go out drinking?" - I don't think so.
 Anyway, while my skill at finding things that I had lost definitely improved, it certainly didn't measure up to hers. I'm thinking of placing an advertisement in all the local papers along these lines:

Feel like a lost cause because you lost your love after you lost your job? Need to find something? Don't worry, just ask Fiona's Mom! Phone 1 800 KnowAll

 Just imagine the replies she'd get.
 "Hello, my name's John and I'm an accountant. When I was at college, I really used to enjoy good practical (and even non-practical) jokes, but lately I just can't laugh at all. I guess what I'm trying to say is that... well... I've lost my sense of humour. Can you help me find it?"
 "I'm Teena from Arkansas, and I'm 13 years old. My brother and I were fooling around in the barn as usual when we came across one of those Cosmopolitan Magazines. We read some of the simpler articles, and it said that we'd lost our virginity about 4 years ago. We don't quite know what it looks like, so how can we find it?"
 "Hi, my name's Bobbi-Jo. I'm a professional yodeller, I wear tasselled clothes with matching fake leather boots, and as if that's not enough, I also go out and get really smashed most weeknights. I then sit outside my ex-boyfriends house and yodel all of our favourite songs until I pass out. I think I may have lost all my dignity; can you please, please help?"
 "This is Bill Clinton, you know. from the White House? And I've lost my credibility with the American people. James Carville is busy boinking his wife, do have a little time?"
 Anyway, I'd better be going, good reader... Time to ring mom, I think I've lost my mind!

love, Fiona
[an error occurred while processing this directive]