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Volume 2 , Number 10
October , 1997

Tales of the Geek Lord Hugs and Bunnies

by Pelican Smith

 Welcome back to Geek Land! This month we are talking about pornography, bestiality, hatred, mischief and getting drunk at football games.
 What's that? I promised that this month I'd be looking into the happier side of the Internet? The cute, cheerful, emotion-coaching side? Oh my god, do we have to?
 Basically, yes, we do. My family and friends are getting very concerned about me. Three months of hackers and criminals and pimps and drug addicts being invited into our home has frightened the children. I need to make up for that by doing something, um, wholesome, I guess.
 I don't know about you, but when I first started thinking about the happy people on the Internet, I think of those lovable kidders on IRC channels like #friendlychat and #30+Cyberfriends. LOL.
 (*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*) Hugs (*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)!!!!!
 Yeah, those guys are great.
 Did I tell you about the last person I met on IRC in one of these channels. A nice lady named Queeny. Queeny told me she weighs over 300 pounds, and is heavily (no pun intended) into personal body odors. Everyone thought that was just great. I have to admit I was rather surprised.
 What the hell am I saying. Queeny is a fat, smelly bitch who has found computers to be the great equalizer. This chick's so fat when her beeper goes off people think she is backing up. She qualifies for group insurance. She has shock absorbers on her toilet seat. She's got tan lines from the refrigerator light. She's so smelly she has to sneak up on bathwater. She made Right Guard turn left. Trust me, I'm being polite! pant..pant..pant...
 OK, let's get back on target. You're gonna love this site. Check out the Virtual Hugs and Kisses Homepage. Yes, now you can send a fluffy bunny hug, a scary spider hug, or a tiny teddy hug to a dear friend.
 I know what you'er thinking, but no, you can't use this page to mailbomb your enemies. I tried. The server only sends a notice to the individual, who then goes to the web page to review the fluffy bunny crap.
 Here's some more crap, the Teddy Bears Mailing List Homepage. I don't know. I didn't even read it. Some crap. Teddy Bears or something. I found the Cocky and Spunky page to be much more entertaining, and it was also related to cute fuzzy animals, so that's pretty happy, pretty wonderful, I guess. How 'bout the Bunny Torture page, or the alt.Devilbunnies homepage? Bet you never knew what bunnies were capable of anyway, did you?
 OK, this isn't necessarily right on track, so lets start looking for happy people. You know, family related sites, like the Building Happy Families page. This is where you find out how screwed up you are, and all the things you are doing wrong to ruin your kids' lives. Great. Makes me feel a whole lot better. Probably maintained by a bunch of jerks with a holier-than-thou attitude anyway. Just what's wrong with my family anyway? Sure, we're not happy, but we don't write homepages about it. Oh, I guess we do.
 I found a girlfriend for Skippy: the Misanthropic Bitch. I especially like the following quote:
Let's kill the fat people, cook up their flesh, and serve it to hungry people.

 This has been a total disaster. What was I talking about anyway? Who cares. Look folks, the Internet is full of wacko's and perverts and various scum. Those people who are normal by day will act like scum when they get on the Internet. And you know why? Because they can. The constitution says so.
5 Links to Make You Think
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