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Volume 1, Number 3.1
January, 1998

Resolutions of a Madman

by Dave Lind

 Ah, tis the time of year when people 'round the world pause for a moment and reflect on all that has happened over the past year and eagerly look ahead to the coming year, hopeful that the coming twelve months will bring just a tad more happiness and a touch less misery than the previous twelve. All across the globe men, women, and children alike will privately take stock of their lives and identify those ugly little flaws in themselves which they would like to correct in a noble effort aimed at self-improvement. We call this annual ritual "The New Year's Resolution."
 Unfortunately, self-improvement seems to be completely contrary to human nature, insofar as no New Year's Resolution ever made has lived to see the spring thaw. And I don't want to hear from you select few who have managed to make and keep a New Year's Resolution. By definition, if you actually have the will power to keep a New Year's Resolution, you shouldn't have had to make one in the first place. You are a freak of nature and should be in an institute somewhere where you can be studied by scientists for the betterment of mankind.
 Anyway, so since we are, by our very nature, unable to keep a New Year's Resolution, the only possible way that we can ever succeed at self-improvement is to tailor our New Year's Resolutions to better fit our natural urges. Take a look at what I mean as I present you...
Dave Lind's New Year's Resolutions

 I, Dave Lind, for the upcoming Year of Our Lord Nineteen Hundred and Ninety Eight, do hereby resolve to...
  1. ...gain 10 pounds.
  2. ...park in a handicapped spot.
  3. ...put off my Christmas shopping until the last minute.
  4. absolutely no money and run up my credit cards.
  5. ...not wear my seat belt.
  6. ...fake an orgasm.
  7. ...kick a puppy.
  8. ...embarrass my children.
  9. ...taunt a homeless person.
  10. ...covet my neighbor's wife.
  11. ...stalk my neighbor's wife.
  12. ...violate my neighbor's restraining order.
  13. 55 in the fast lane.
  14. ...make a little girl cry.
  15. ...return a movie un-rewound.
  16. ...pee in the sink.
  17. ...make an insensitive remark to a pregnant woman.
  18. ...fart in an elevator.
  19. ...masturbate in a public restroom.
  20. ...tip less than 15 percent.
 There you have it. I figure if my previous success rate holds up and I fail at all (or most) of the above resolutions, I should be the most-improved human being on the planet by Valentines Day.
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