Volume 1, Number 3.1
by Dave Lind
Ah, tis the time of year when people 'round the world pause for a moment and reflect on all that has happened over the past year and eagerly look ahead to the coming year, hopeful that the coming twelve months will bring just a tad more happiness and a touch less misery than the previous twelve. All across the globe men, women, and children alike will privately take stock of their lives and identify those ugly little flaws in themselves which they would like to correct in a noble effort aimed at self-improvement. We call this annual ritual "The New Year's Resolution."
Unfortunately, self-improvement seems to be completely contrary to human nature, insofar as no New Year's Resolution ever made has lived to see the spring thaw. And I don't want to hear from you select few who have managed to make and keep a New Year's Resolution. By definition, if you actually have the will power to keep a New Year's Resolution, you shouldn't have had to make one in the first place. You are a freak of nature and should be in an institute somewhere where you can be studied by scientists for the betterment of mankind.
Anyway, so since we are, by our very nature, unable to keep a New Year's Resolution, the only possible way that we can ever succeed at self-improvement is to tailor our New Year's Resolutions to better fit our natural urges. Take a look at what I mean as I present you...
Dave Lind's New Year's Resolutions
I, Dave Lind, for the upcoming Year of Our Lord Nineteen Hundred and Ninety Eight, do hereby resolve to...