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Volume 1, Number 3.1
January, 1998

The Professor The Glory of the Superbowl

by The Professor

 As I write these words, I do not yet know who will be facing off on in Super Bowl XXXII, but I do know that the game will be played, and that is enough for me.
 Super Bowl Sunday is, for you heathens out there, the Highest Holy day of the year. It is the day when the combined energies of the entire pantheon of Football Gods converge on a single location, usually New Orleans or Pasadena, and grace us mere mortals with the closest Earthly experience to Nirvana: The Super Bowl.
 I hear you out there, my faithful followers, wondering to thyselves, "How doth we best observeth this, thy most hallowed of days?"
 Verily shall I share with you some of the Professor's time-honored Super Bowl rituals.
 "Pray, tell us, oh enlightened one."
 Shut up, I'm getting to it!
 First, and most importantly, proper Super Bowl Observance begins years before kickoff. It begins at birth, for, as is inscribed in the sacred tablets handed down from on high to George Halas himself, you must be a man to properly observe Super Bowl Sunday. This is not the Professor's ruling, this is the law of the Gods Themselves. I'd show you the transcription but according to Football Holy Law, any nonbelievers who gaze upon the sacred tablets shall have their eyes burst from their sockets in a torrent of molten fire. And I don't think anyone wants that.
 Second, you must establish as early as is humanly possible (preferably shortly after birth...wait, can I say afterbirth?) an uncompromising policy of Super Bowl Observance. This must be fixed and non-negotiable. It is best that this policy is firmly in place prior to entering into any long-term relationships. If you are already in a long-term relationship and have not yet established this policy, break off the relationship, establish the policy, and then start a new long-term relationship. Else the person with whom you share your bed and who endeavors to deny you your God-given right to command the remote control might get it into her silly head that you can be induced to forego the Super Bowl this year to attend her mother's funeral or the birth of your children.
 Third, now that you are male and have established your uncompromising policy of strict Super Bowl Observance, you must acquaint yourselves with your Super Bowl Heritage. The Football Gods love nothing more than knowledgeable, respectful followers and will heap their love generously upon any who can recount Garo Yepremian's botched field goal, Jack Tatum's hit on Sammy White, or the time Fred "The Hammer" Williamson got knocked out. If you are already well-knowledgeable of such things, go with God. If you need someone to explain to you what "Ghost to the Post" means, hit the books.
 Ok, you are now ready for Super Bowl Sunday Observance. If this is your first such Holy Observance, I would suggest attending the Observance at the home of an elder follower. If you wish to hold the Observance at your own home, I offer the following tips.
  • Prepare in advance. Purchase sufficient quantities of food and beverages. Don't get fancy. Chips, pretzels, peanuts, beer, and soda should be all you need. No faggoty-ass French pastries or sissy mineral water. And for God's sake, no wine coolers!
  • Arrange your furniture in a strategic fashion. Try to provide as much seating as possible without compromising line-of-sight. Make sure the routes to the refrigerator and the bathroom do not cross in front of the TV. People pay a lot of money to make those commercials and they deserve to be seen. Plus, some of them are quite good and add to the Observance experience.
  • During the pregame ceremonies, hold a special moment of observance for those who have gone before us. Personally, I like to light a candle for each of the Super Bowls that preceded us, plus a big one for the upcoming Observance. Also, Gregorian Chant music is not overboard.
  • Finally, it is imperative that you wear team colors during the game. Whether they be the colors of your favorite team or of the team you are backing in the Super Bowl, you must show a team affiliation. These are your sacred vestments and to shun them is to draw the disfavor of the Football Gods.
 Now, my children, you are ready to observe the High Holy Day. Go forth, and rejoice in the glory of the Super Bowl.
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