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Volume 3, Number 4
April, 1998

Fun & Games
Guide to the Well-Dressed Franchise

By Dean Shutt

Well it's time to look at one of the most critical issues facing professional sports today. Am I talking about drug use among the players? Greed among the owners? Spiraling ticket prices? No, I am speaking of the proliferation of hideous laundry amongst professional sports teams. That's right folks, what else matters when the hometown team is trotting out in light teal and purple. How can you honestly cheer for a team that has pinstriped tank tops? Does it really matter if your team is the champion of the world if their uniforms were designed by a blind preschooler? Let's face the facts, with the way players move around nowadays, we are just cheering for the uniforms anyway. With that in mind, I feel it my solemn duty to point out the most flawed uniforms in the major sports leagues today.

Major League Baseball

  1. The Tampa Bay DevilRays - The name sucks, the colors are teal and purple (and several others) and smack of focus groups. I will be honest here and say that I haven't actually seen their uniforms yet. I have to believe that, considering what I have heard so far, they are going to blow chunks.
  2. The Cleveland Indians - I am about as far from politically correct as you are going to get. The grinning Indian really needs to go, though.
  3. The Toronto Blue Jays - First you steal "The Rocket" and then you make him wear those hideous techno-orange creations? Are you trying to foster mass suicide among the Red Sox nation?

The National Hockey League

  1. The Carolina Hurricanes - What the hell is with the all red togs? Can we say "contrasting jerseys and pants"? Can we wear them? Please?
  2. The Calgary Flames - With all of the new and improved uniform designs in the NHL today. How is it that this team keeps getting passed over for an update? The 70's are over, folks and retro doesn't work on ice.
  3. The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim - You know, they could win seven Stanley Cups in a row and they would still be impossible to take seriously. I know Disney owns the team and all, but do they really need Donald Duck for a mascot. (and I don't care what they say, that IS Donald in that goalie mask)

The National Basketball Association

    To be honest with you, it's a whole lot easier to mention the teams that DON'T have ugly uniforms. The Seattle Sonics, Boston Celtics and...and... OK, that's really about it. How do these guys keep getting the ratings dressed like that?

The National Football League

  1. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers - It's funny really. For the longest time I thought that anything would be better than the old Bucs' uniforms. Then they come out for the '97 season in those horrible pewter and red things and I find myself remembering those bright orange pants fondly.
  2. The Baltimore Ravens - It's hard enough for Vinny Testeverde to look good as a quarterback. Did they really have to make it that much harder on the poor bastard by making him wear an outfit that looks like a full body bruise?
  3. The Denver Broncos - They're edgy, they're avant garde, they're the daffiest looking things a football player has ever had to wear. This is proof once again that there is oftentimes a very good reason for tradition. The saddest part is, since they won a Super Bowl in these monstrosities, we will stuck looking at them for years to come.

As you can see I have tried to limit my picks to the top three in each sport. (except of course for basketball, but what could I really do there?) I would like to point out a few special cases though. Would someone please let the 76er's know that with a name that hearkens back to the revolution, red white & blue is a little more appropriate than red, white & black. Aside from the Rangers and the Sharks, could we please stop subjecting NHL fans to the third jersey option. Speaking of options, wasn't it enough for baseball to give us home and away caps? Do we really need alternate Saturday caps as well? I have news for the Lords of Baseball, I'm done, I am buying no more baseball caps ever, no matter what new designs you come up with, do you hear me? Never. Teal, it's over, understand? Teal is the most overdone color since black in the late eighties.
I hope this little fashion primer will help the aesthetically-challenged teams of professional sports. I don't ask you to cut ticket prices. I don't require you to have a winning season. I don't even care if you switch cities and rosters every two years. But please, for the love of God, don't try and fix the Colts', Red Sox' or New York Rangers' uniforms. My heart couldn't take it.
Dean's Favorite Teams
SJ Rhinos
Indianapolis Colts
Red Sox
NY Rangers
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