Volume 3, Number 4
Guide to the Well-Dressed Franchise
By Dean Shutt
Well it's time to look at one of the most critical issues facing professional sports today. Am I talking about drug use among the players? Greed among the owners? Spiraling ticket prices? No, I am speaking of the proliferation of hideous laundry amongst professional sports teams. That's right folks, what else matters when the hometown team is trotting out in light teal and purple. How can you honestly cheer for a team that has pinstriped tank tops? Does it really matter if your team is the champion of the world if their uniforms were designed by a blind preschooler? Let's face the facts, with the way players move around nowadays, we are just cheering for the uniforms anyway. With that in mind, I feel it my solemn duty to point out the most flawed uniforms in the major sports leagues today.
Major League Baseball
The National Hockey League
The National Basketball Association
The National Football League
As you can see I have tried to limit my picks to the top three in each sport. (except of course for basketball, but what could I really do there?) I would like to point out a few special cases though. Would someone please let the 76er's know that with a name that hearkens back to the revolution, red white & blue is a little more appropriate than red, white & black. Aside from the Rangers and the Sharks, could we please stop subjecting NHL fans to the third jersey option. Speaking of options, wasn't it enough for baseball to give us home and away caps? Do we really need alternate Saturday caps as well? I have news for the Lords of Baseball, I'm done, I am buying no more baseball caps ever, no matter what new designs you come up with, do you hear me? Never. Teal, it's over, understand? Teal is the most overdone color since black in the late eighties.
I hope this little fashion primer will help the aesthetically-challenged teams of professional sports. I don't ask you to cut ticket prices. I don't require you to have a winning season. I don't even care if you switch cities and rosters every two years. But please, for the love of God, don't try and fix the Colts', Red Sox' or New York Rangers' uniforms. My heart couldn't take it.