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Volume 3, Number 4
April, 1998

The Professor Letters From a Retired Professor

by The Professor

It is with great sadness that I announce the Professor's retirement. He has been a great presence here at the 'times, and we'll miss him. Now, some of you might say "but hey! he's only been working for you for less than 3 years!", and you would be right. But, I have it on good authority that he has been working for many years, and that this is a well-deserved retirement. Well, ok, so he's the good authority, but who can argue with the man? You try!
 In any case, the Professor isn't completely gone. He has promised to provide an occasional thought or two to us, in the new form of his column, "Letters From A Retired Professor". We hope you'll still enjoy...

 Dear Reggie White,
 I would like to thank you for your recent illuminating remarks to the Wisconsin State Legislature. They were insightful, thought provoking, and quite revealing. Or, to be more exact, they were inciteful, provoking, and they revealed a good deal more about you than I think you may have intended.
 For instance, apparently your vision of God is that he is a dancin?, money makin?, baby makin?, homo hatin? dude who can sneak up on you and turn your TV into a watch.
 (As a side note, per your statement that "blacks are gifted dancers" and "whites are good at making money", I would like to point out that while you have....what?...$30 million in the bank and I am getting paid nothing for this column, it would appear that we are both in clear violation of God's will. Since I am sure we would both like to go to heaven and see no reason to take any chances, why don't you dance yourself on down to the bank and write me out a cashier's check...)
 OK, OK, I know what you meant. You meant that we should celebrate diversity and that it was our differences that make us special and unique and all to the glory of God blah, blah, blah,... all with the best intentions.
 So tell me, Reggie, was it with the best of intentions that you singled out one group of God's children and blamed them for the moral decay of American society? How is it that a man of your alleged intellect can climb up on your pulpit and preach the glory of diversity before the eyes of God, yet condemn that very diversity in one specific case simply because you yourself find it distasteful? Was it with the best of intentions that you undermined decades of civil rights victories by resurrecting and reinforcing such hurtful stereotypes as the dancing black man or the continuously pregnant Mexican?
 Apparently you can spout whatever racist, hateful, divisive, stereotypical horse%#$@ you want, but as long as you waive a bible over your head and invoke the name of God your audience will slap their fins together like a bunch of trained seals.
 And answer me this, Reggie. How is it that Al Campanis can lose his job and be labeled a racist for saying that "whites are more suited to managerial positions" while Reggie White can hold himself up as a pillar of goodness and morality for saying, basically, that White people are suited to managerial positions? When the issue of minority hiring among NFL coaches is brought up, as it is every year, how are you going to justify hiring more black coaches when you, yourself, have publicly stated that God made whites with better organization skills?
 Most of all, Reggie, can you not at least acknowledge that your remarks were offensive and perhaps rethink your position? At the very least, I think you owe an apology to all the non-dancing Blacks, the financially-impaired Whites, the technologically-impaired Asians, the non-spiritual Indians, and the infertile Hispanics. These poor people must feel as though they are letting their own kind down, in the wake of your "insightful" comments.
 I suppose it is a small consolation that you soured any opportunity you may have had at landing a job with CBS. After all, if they hire you after your comments, made stone sober before a legislature and which offended many minority groups, what does that say of their decision to fire Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder for his comments, which were made in drunken state in a restaurant and which offended only one minority group. I'm thinking "The Greek" would have a pretty solid lawsuit, wouldn't you?
 Anyway, Reggie, it was good to hear from you and I hope you enjoy your upcoming retirement.
 The Professor
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