Buy a Damned T-Shirt!
Volume 3, Number 5
May, 1998

The BackPage Masculinity Test

by Your SCROOMers

So, think you're a stud? Prove it! Take this test, and see how masculine you really are!
  1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
    1. Lovemaking
    2. Screwing
    3. The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

  2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
    1. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
    2. Your blood-test results
    3. Five tequila slammers

  3. You time your orgasm so that:
    1. Your partner climaxes first
    2. You both climax simultaneously
    3. You don't miss SportsCenter

  4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
    1. Healthy, creative love-play
    2. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
    3. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

  5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
    1. The best part of the experience
    2. The second best part of the experience
    3. $100 extra

  6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is
    1. No concern of yours
    2. Not a problem - she can join your gym
    3. A conservative estimate

  7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is
    1. A myth
    2. An oxymoron
    3. A moron

  8. Foreplay is to sex as
    1. Appetizers is to entree
    2. Priming is to painting
    3. A queue is to an amusement park ride

  9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
    1. "I hope we can still be friends."
    2. "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
    3. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population You."

  10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate
    1. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
    2. Is uptight and a waste of time
    3. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.
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