Volume 3, Number 7
I dreamt of Joe from the gallery. I stood in a bathtub behind a shower curtain wearing my sheer blue dress and black belt...he pulled the curtain back and stepped in... bringing lots of light...moving to put his arm around my waist. Then I woke up. The significance of this dream frightening me, for I hardly know Joe at all and we seldom talk, except last week when we sat alone waiting for the others to show up to go to the De Young Museum together.
Joe asked, "I can't believe they let you get away without marrying someone in Asia?"
"I got a few offers." I told him.
"I bet," he said, "probably 2 or 3 a day."
"Not quite. But my boyfriend is waiting for me to come back to Hong Kong and marry him---so he says--But I'm not going to. My Visa expired and so I had to leave and he's caught up in a marriage of convenience, trying to get a divorce, so I was able to escape that one."
"Will you marry me?" Joe said, paused, then went..."hum...I've never said that to anyone.."
I thought it was quite a come-on, and of all that he'd accomplished, letting me know he's single and finding out if I am. I must admit I was just a little turned-on by this macho kind of manliness; all he needs to know is that I'm not married, so I'm available, plus I told him my boyfriend is on the other side of the world.
The next day I had to work. I felt someone's gaze upon me. He watched, dropping his head when I turned. I swear I could hear him thinking, "Wow, is she pretty." Then I walked by him without a hello. He was seated in his instructors' chair, working on some clay thing with his students. I headed up the stairs and could hear him laughing at me, as if to say, "ignoring me isn't going to get rid of me." He knows my game and ignored me back that day, but I know he has a plan...macho ways...so I watch. I've seen this all many times before. He does have a nice mouth, and he's sensitive in his way. Kind of cute and forty.
Wednesday we all met in a different location for a training session, and he sat looking at me out on the lawn. Dante came out and stood, then sat beside me. I said hello, and Joe jerked and moved his head, jealousy welling up inside him, like some kind of wild bull. But contained himself, Dante is a friend, and besides we have nothing going, aren't even going out. Later, after a break, Joe arranged things, I could just tell, so that he sat in the exact center with an empty chair beside him, and I had to sit in it since it was the only one left. I felt like he was making an announcement; OK everybody look, I'm after her, I'm serious, feel sorry for me, my sad puppy eyes, help me, support my quest, I'm after her, want to marry her, look at us, a couple. Then he spread his legs like a macho Mexican pressing his knee to mine so that I had to cross my legs. Another symbolic gesture/announcement. Her legs are closed to all of you, I've got this load of extra large equipment to keep her satisfied. My breasts were swollen out to the max, one day before my period, he proudly glanced over at my breast, cleavage in that scoop neck cotton dress. I felt his vibes of desire pounding me. Then after a few minutes he offered his seat in the shade to the group leader, so she could get out of the sun, and traded with her, putting himself directly opposite, where he stared at my face and cleavage from a new angle and made no pretense of doing otherwise. I glanced over, his line of vision overtop his dropped-down sunglasses directly on my lips. Let's see, his next trick; either he'll try to make me jealous or try to get me to come to his place, or at least get my phone number. Nah. Just more ogling at the gallery. He's a slow mover, he knows I'll be around. He's going to surround me and gang up on me, but I'll fool him by pretending to be easy, so he'll let his guard down, and then I can do whatever I want.
Monday at the gallery. I felt so panicked when I heard Joe come in so I went down the stairs and ran out the door on an errand. Later he created a little conflict and got upset, then asked me if I was upset with him, which made me smile, and I just responded, "you're the one that's upset."
So he came over real close up to me as I sat at a table and he told me he didn't want anything strange between us or for me to be upset with him because he liked me, and then amended that to "I like you alot actually." in his rapid-fire speech, which I took to mean "I'd like to fuck you." I can't deny I have the hots for him too, and he's coming on strong, and now I have these images in my head passionate kissing and making out. Although I'm feeling very depressed today, unusually depressed, which frightens me.
Joe telling me he likes me hasn't snapped me out of it. Though I'm happy he did, for I was afraid he'd be too afraid to approach me, but he forced it, though I've been hiding and escaping from him. He's very manly and aggressive, or at least he gets the picture that he must be or nothing is going to happen unless he makes it. I'm not trying to be coy. I'm just not in any rush to get involved, skeptical I can handle getting into any kind of sexual relationship actually, and at the same time afraid not to. Afraid that I need love more than I know and better get it now.
He knows I like him or he wouldn't be coming on to me, others there can see it...I have no intention of rejecting him, I'm just taking it slow. I thought I saw a flash of indignant jealousy flare up as he caught a glimpse of me as I descended the stairs, his brief anger over my top being too low cut into a V. Later I saw the way he checked my eyes when I walked past, when we first encountered each other today, jealously wondering who I'd fucked this past weekend, afraid of what he'd see. I know, for I had the same jealous fear looming up in me last night. I need something very badly.
I'm afraid of what's going to happen or that nothing is going to happen for me. I need something, and I thought that something was getting my book published, to make me feel good about myself. Now I'm having difficulty coping with the unknown and with the therapy I'm about to enter. I'm hoping that if Joe and I get physical together that he'll become my lover and provide me with some emotional and moral support. I'm unusually upset. Joe knows I like him. I know he'll have to press if he wants to make me his girlfriend. Tonight, a rough night for me. I'll have to hang on to all I've got to get through it. All my hopes and dreams appear as delusions right now. He's got me feeling more passionate than I think I've ever felt but how can I say that? I suspect he's quite important to me, I just don't know how important yet. But I'm feeling real and hot, like coming up I'm going to have some erotic tales to tell, and if that means we'll fall in love together... I don't know. I wonder what kind of relationship we are going to have? Obviously he's been thinking about me as much as I have about him, and then I picture our mutual masturbation scenes where we think about each other in our respective bathrooms and cum simultaneously. Why is this such a hot one? Because we're equally matched? I don't fear him as I feared Alton or that other guy at the Y. I'm getting really turned-on-thoughts as I head for the bathroom.. the image I present in the mirror is a little bit erotic, my tits coming out of a black lace bra, my belly showing partially. I just want to have a brief--six weeks--affair, then slowly go my own way, have sex once in a while after that, whatever, see other people, or have him for a boyfriend and see other men without telling him? Or live with him? That would probably be a mistake. I don't think he'll cause me any trouble though.