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Volume 4, Number 3
March, 1999

The BackPage Because I'm A Guy

by Your SCROOMers

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in my car I will fiddle with a wire hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road-service unit until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I am looking for. If another guy comes by, one of us will say to the other, "I used to know how to fix these things, but now with all the computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to begin." Then we will drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic things like "Cumin," or "Tofu." For all I know, they are the same thing. Never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you are crying at the end, I didn't like it.

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I am thinking about. The answer is always sex or sports, though I have to make up stuff when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing 5 minutes ago was fine, too. With or without the belt, either pair of shoes. It looks fine. Please, put on something or get naked, either way, I'm happy.

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