In a stunning move, the administration populated by guys who made a fortune
on gas and oil have announced that conservation is for morons, and the real
answer to any question is "drill for more oil".
"Having made 30 million last year from one of our most respected oil firms,
Haliburton, last year has given me the incredible insight that drilling for
more oil is the only way to go," Vice-President Dick 'I am Spartacus' Cheney
explained. "I mean, when the people of this country fry Dubya in the 2004
election because of all the clear-cutting and arsenic in drinking water and
that other crap that they whine about, I need to have a really high-paying job
to go back to!"
When asked whether there was enough oil in Alaska to supply the country's
needs, Cheney replied "Of course there is! At least, for as long as I'll be
around, after that, who cares? My family will have enough money that they
will always be on top, once Georgie whacks that unconstitutional estate tax".
On another tack, President "I swear I really won" George W Bush informed us
if his plan to give Americans something to spend the $1.35 trillion windfall
tax cut that his administration was giving them. "I know that many Americans
were getting really, really nervous about what they were going to spend all
that extra money on" the President said, "and here it is - gas! We're going
to make sure that the oil companies have all the incentive that they need to
raise gasoline prices to as much as $3 per gallon! Voiler! Problem solved!
As a matter of fact, since the tax cut will most likely only put a couple
hundred dollars at most into the average American's pocket, this will enable
that average man to do what he really wants to do - give oil companies more
money. That way, all my friends down in Texas will have lots of money to spend.
It's a win-win situation, as I see it" the President explained.
Both President "where is the bathroom again" Bush, and Vice-President "I'm
getting chest pains again" Cheney were quick to point out that the oil
companies are suffering right now, in part due to the downturn of the tech
stocks that some of them bought. "We just can't let that kind of suffering
go unheard" Bush said, "we are compassionate conservatives, remember?".
Cheney added, "and those companies will need lots of extra money to pay for
oil rigs up in the Alaska wilderness. I mean, we're going to give them the
lasnd and everything, but they still have to furnish the equipment".
When asked why California was being charged up to $1900/megawatt for
electricity in recent weeks, when the actual cost of a megawatt generated
by a natural gas plant is $80, the President joyously exclaimed "that's
the beauty of a free market! The producers supplying California know that
they completely own those bastards, and can make them pay anything they want!
They told me that they hope to get their price up over $2000/megawatt!". An
aide then led the President to a nearby chair, and was seen giving him a
treat, and a friendly pat on the head.
Taking over, the Vice-President fielded a question about renewable sources of
energy, such as solar, wind and hydroelectric. He downplayed these sources
as "unreliable and environmentally unsound". When asked what he meant by that,
the Vice-President threw a withering look at the questioner, and asked
"ok, Mr Sierra Club, do you deny that oil and coal plants are good for the
environment?". When the reporter began to sputter, the Vice-President made a
complex hand motion, and several men dressed in black suits appeared to carefully
lead the choking man away to a nearby first aid station.
In related news, President "I'm A Yale Grajewate" Bush has announced his discovery
that it really is nukeyooler, nuclear is another word entirely, and is being
used incorrectly. "From now on", he explained, "we should refer to the Three-Mile
Island Nukeyoolar Issue", and he also announced plans to order some more of
them thar nukeyoolar reaktores. "Specifically, I think we ought to have one
next to the White House. Mr. Dick says that they are the best source of electricity
(except for oil and coal, of course)".