Volume 2, Number 4 -- April, 1997

Buy a Damned T-Shirt!
Fiona Jane Speaks Ouit

 Dear Readers,
 After reading Skippy's article 'What a boy knows', I came to the conclusion that perhaps other males deserve the same enlightenment on the working of the female mind when it comes to choosing to have sex. You might want to read his article before continuing on with this one.
 Skippy was right in saying we females are the more complex species, though this is not necessarily a good thing. Males have been lucky that their development has been more laboured and far slower than that of the females of our species.
 Being notably more primitive has meant that their brains have so far only learnt to focus on two subjects
  1. Physical contact (preferably naked) and
  2. Physical contact (naked or otherwise) involving inflated pieces of leather or rubber, poles and other funny shaped objects.
 These are activities are often referred to as 'sport' and 'sex', with a very fine line separating the two.
 So anyway, being cursed with this higher intelligence has meant that we girls have to spend every waking moment thinking about the trillion matters that are important to us.
 Guys, spending heaps of money, nuclear fission and blue objects beginning with the letter 'L' are usually the main topics a group of girls will talk about, but in terms of the top four things we think about when with a man...well, here they are:
 Am I really attracted to him, or do I just want him to make me feel good? How drunk am I (are that third and fourth eye meant to be there and will two mouths make it even better)?
 The drunker we get, the more unlikely we are to have sex with anyone, CONTRARY to what most guys believe. It's not that we don't want to, mind you, but our friends are unlikely to let us walk out the door with anyone when we are doing the projectile vomit made famous by Linda Blair and imitated by drunk females throughout the globe.
 Besides, even if we did make it to some place to have sex, we'd probably pass out, and knowing that a multitude of objects imitating female or male body parts can be bought for those who happen to enjoy a session of unresponsive love-making, it is totally unacceptable for ANYONE to take home someone who is too drunk to know what is happening.
 Have I slept with his friend/neighbour/step-brother/basketball coach from Year 7? Have any of my friends slept with anyone he knows? If so, was it good?
 If it was crap, then the odds of deciding to sleep with him are minimal - why waste something as valuable as ourselves on what is fairly likely to be dodgy? I ask you.
 If the sex was great, on the other hand, we are far more inclined to give him a go (so to speak).It's sort of like driving a car; if you have driven a trusty model before that went really well, then you've got the basis for a good to great test drive on the latest model. Make sense?
 If the reason we decided to have sex with him was because of an overpowering desire, the question is not how long should I wait but how long CAN I wait! If other factors come into play, then it does become how long should I wait.
 If you don't know him at all, then it is obviously going to be at least a few dates (the appropriate number to be designated by your best friends after lengthy discussions on the matter).
 My friends (Susan & Bek) and I agree that the number of dates can then be discounted by the amount of emotion you feel for him, and the amount he seems to reciprocate. Hence the equation:
SEX = TIME X EFFORT + emotion - (FAMILIARITY/DESIRE)  Sometimes, the longer you wait, (by choice or the fact that you both live with your parents and don't want to remember your first time by the appropriate beach/park/back-of-car), the better it is going to be. There are definitely great things to be said for anticipation!
 and where and how and why and whatever...
 Guys, it seems, tend only to really brag about sex when a particularly risque feat has been accomplished the night before and they are just bursting with pride (Thanks again for the tip Jeremy!). Girls, however, just tell...
 It really is that simple. No matter what has happened, we tell our best friends everything!
 It goes a little something like this. The deed is done, so we patiently wait for the ubiquitous falling asleep by our darling male and then we ring our friends. No details are exchanged at this point - just that we did it (YAY!! WOOHOO! FINALLY!!!), sum it up in one word "It was..." and then organise to meet up so we can REALLY talk about it.
 The more we do it with him, the less we talk about it with our friends, unless a spectacularly good or bad session is experienced. Under no circumstances are we happy that he tells his friends, only because we dread the fact that they may analyse it just as much as we do! If he does make the mistake of telling us that his friends also know, we immediately misinterpret everything they say and do as relating to us and our sex lives.
 The best discussions about our sex lives are at "dinner for the girl's", when we usually consume the best part of a bottle of wine each. It is here that the secrets that never should have been revealed all come pouring out. We sit around and laugh about:
  • that funny look when they want you so badly and you know it,
  • the way they wonder why we don't do it as much as when we first went out,
  • the way we all wonder if they're thinking of any ex-girlfriend when they sleep with us, and
  • when it's gone on for tooooo long and they just won't stop because they think we're enjoying it
  • their certainty that we've never faked it (I never did! I swear!!)
 So, if you hear a girl saying she had the best talk with her friends over dinner ("It was so funny"), you know that even though the guys weren't there, you were certainly not forgotten!!!
 Not sport; oh no, we worry about far more serious games than that. Phone games, waiting games, mind games, sex games - WHATEVER!
 Games and relationships seem to go hand in hand, and unfortunately it is we females who tend to spend great amounts of time worrying about them, far more than our simpler male counterparts.
 I mean, why can't everything became clearer, rather than more complicated after having sex?
 Will he call? When? What should I say? When he does call, how many days am I going to wait before calling him back? One friend I know is a big believer in the extended 'waiting before calling' period, believing that is shows calmness. It's silly, but then again she's the one in the relationship, so I guess she's onto something!
 One of the worst problems with playing these foolish games is when they turn into team sports because friends on both sides of the relationship feel they have to be involved. There is nothing more irritating than having a fight with your loved one, only to walk into your local bar and find that everyone knows about it - and wants to tell you their opinion.
 It is often said that women are far more conniving, but as we all know, guys are paid more to play, try to be better at and devote far more time to GAMES.
 Well, hopefully this has given you a better insight into the working of a female mind (albeit translated by a slightly warped one such as mine) and will help you in the future.
 Best of luck,
 Fiona Jane
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