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Volume 3, Number 3
March, 1998

Fiona Jane Speaks Out
Fiona's Sex Change...

By Fiona Jane

 What would you do if you woke up in someone else's body? Say, a member of the opposite sex?
 The most charming answer I had was "Pull out. Get dressed without waking her or her ugly sister up, and try to remember how to get home." Lovely.
 What I meant was, what would you do if you woke up and were a guy/girl for the first time? You know, the wacky old "white-guy-wakes up as poor black guy; teenage girl and mother swap places; ex-boyfriend and girlfriend swap bodies" movie theme.
 Ignore present relationships, responsibilities and dependencies and imagine yourself with the same personality, same beliefs, same gestures - just different gender.
 Without exception, the first thing any guy I asked this of said that the first thing to do would be to play with their new body. Intimately. Time span and location differed (although most did opt to incorporate a mirror at some stage), but masturbation was definitely first priority.
 The girls I asked were not against trying to fly their additional appendages solo, but it was less important to them than actually getting laid. Didn't really care who with, just go ugly early and go hard.
 So I wondered, if given the choice between masturbation or sex (and where to draw that line?) for the rest of their life, would most guys choose masturbation and most girls choose sex?
 It's a well known fact (source: the highly unreliable Cleo/Cosmo variety of magazine) that men masturbate more than women. I think that the quoted male to female ratio is something like 90/30.
 90/30?? Don't these researchers (!) know the well known saying that if a guy says he doesn't wank then he's a liar? YES THAT'S YOU, HEATH. Women (well the ones I know and think tell me the truth, anyway) don't seem to do it nearly as much as 30%.
 The terms for it are varied and many. Wanking, pulling yourself off, feeding the chickens, flog the log, Mrs Palmer and her five daughters and worse yet, tossing the boss. Whatever the expression used, it always seems to be referring to men.
 Is it an instinctive thing? Is it a accidental thing? I mean, I'm sure I'm supposed to be missing out on something here, but I just don't feel the driving need that guys seem to have been tormented by since adolescence.
 Maybe the figures were gathered from respondents who were reasonably young. While males sex drives are reputedly highest during their youth, meaning that they are totally obsessed by it (hence 90%), female sex drives don't peak until they are in their 'dirty thirties ' and perhaps aren't fully aware of all their sexual capabilities until those years.
 Perhaps it's just as I stated in my first SCROOMtimes article, and we females are far more complex than males and therefore take longer to work out intimate intricacies. Come to think of it, I know married women who say their husbands still haven't worked them out after 30 years. Maybe my friends aren't abnormal (or such big liars) after all.
 Anyway, back to the original question, what would you do if you woke up as a girl/guy? I'm sure someone will tell me that it's penis envy and it dates back to some oedipal stage but here's what I'd do:
  • Get up late (not because I'd be a guy, just because I'd still sleep in)
  • When am I supposed to meet Mrs Palmer?
  • Keep the boxers that I slept in on, and just put my other clothes over the top
  • Go into Oxford Street and buy a gorgeous suit, tie and shiny Italian leather shoes. Keep my stinky slept in boxers on
  • Impress the lady making my lunch by not leering down her top as she combines my sandwich fillings
  • Let out a loud burp at the pub after sculling my third beer in a row. Be congratulated
  • Visit the urinals and look at what everyone else has
  • Get my head punched in by the truckie in the toilets
  • Go out and get a sympathy root
  • Have sex with her and then fall asleep a split-second later
 It doesn't really sound like that much fun being a guy; am I doing something wrong? Let me know what you do, or would do differently if the 'swap' happened to you. No, on second thought, why don't you write to and tell him what you think about when you masturbate. I'm sure he'll thank me later...

love, Fiona
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