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Volume 4, Number 2
February, 1999

Tales of the Geek Lord
Human Brains Are Not Y2K Compliant!

by Pelican Smith

A page of history is worth a volume of logic
-- Oliver Wendel Holmes

There has been a great deal of concern lately about the "Year 2000 bug" which could affect millions of computers when we hit the next new year. If there is anyone out there that doesn't know, the problem arrises from older programs which were forced to save memory everywhere they could. In these programs, the author often only used 6 digits to describe the date, such as 07/06/99. After the year rolls over from 99 to 00 in these programs, all kinds of things could happen.

I recently saw on CNN a piece about a couple living in California who are stockpiling food for the coming year. Apparently, they fear that nuclear devices may launch on their own, or power may go out, or banks may lose all account information, or any of a million other things. This couple is not alone, as approximately 38 percent of people in a recent poll fear riots or political unrest, and another 9 percent fear the end of the world.

Well, friends, you can all stop worrying about computer glitches and power outages and riots. You can even stop worrying about the end of the world, because it just doesn't matter. Human brains are not Y2K compliant.

Now stop worrying! You are not going to melt on January 1, 2000. Your normally bright and imaginative grey matter is not going to wink out like a old flashlight. As a matter of fact, you should be extremely proud of yourself if your brain is not Y2K compliant, and you should now be focusing your efforts on helping those around you who are Y2K challenged.

How can I tell if my brain is Y2K compliant? Well, I have put together this little test which can help you determine how you will handle the new millenium. Please answer each of the following questions as truthfully as you can.

The Y2K Compliance Test for Human Brains, by Pelican Smith
  1. Who would you like to see elected as next terms president?
    A.Theodore Roosevelt
    B. Al Gore

  2. Which would you rather pay for federal income tax?
    A. 0 percent.
    B. A variable rate that is highest for middle income families.

  3. Which do you think is better for kids?
    A. Hardworking fathers
    B. Deadbeat Dad's

  4. Which do you think is better for sports?
    A. Baseball forms the American League
    B. The NBA misses half a year due to salary disputes for the top 1 percent of it's players

  5. Which do you think is the biggest discovery?
    A. Physicist Max Planck announces what would come to be known as quantum theory
    B. Pornographer Larry Flynt announces more sordid details about our politicians lack of ethics.

  6. Which world population is the most reassuring?
    A. 1.6 billion
    B. 5.9 billion

How to score your test: If you answered all A's, your brain is not Y2K compliant. You will go into the next century with knowledge of the past. You will prefer health and happiness over hustle and bustle.

If you answered all B's, congratulations -- Your brain is fully Y2K compliant. Now go away.

5 Links to Make You Think
  1. CNN Y2K Poll
  2. Time 100: 1900 vs. Now
  3. America 1900, The Turning Point
  4. Future, Doomsday, Year 2000
  5. Millenium - Frightful Things To Come

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