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Volume 4, Number 2
February, 1999

Why I Hate Vampires

by Wil Forbis (Distinguished Vampire Slayer)

Once again, America seems to have revived its love affair with those dread stalkers of the night, vampires. This is most evident in the success of semi-recent films such as the upteenth remake of Dracula. Also noteworthy is the continued popularity of the Anne Rice "Vampire Chronicles" series. Further evidence can be found in the re-emerging popularity of the "Goth" scene, which seems to be based on looking and acting like a vampire. (Or a complete idiot, I forget which.) Finally, more and more people are showing up on talk shows claiming to actually be vampires, blithely telling stories of blood sucking and coffin dwelling.

Personally, the whole situation rather disgusts me. Contrary to the rest of America, I've never liked vampires. In fact, I can safely say that I hate them. To me, vampires are too prissy and haughty. Vampires look down on you, they think they're your better. If you were at a party and you asked a vampire where the keg was, he'd ignore you. What's up with that? I don't think a wolfman would ignore you. He'd politely grunt and point you in the right direction. But not a vampire. He'd never get caught dead talking to a philistine like me. (Pun intended.)

If there's a monster I do like, it'd have to be the mummy. Vampires are too bourgeois and wolfmen can be unpredictable, but a mummy, he's a regular guy. He doesn't need to float around in some flamboyant cape and turn into mist. He just hangs out, dripping flesh. Sure, he gets mad and kills people every so often, but he's usually got a pretty good reason. In all the flicks, he's usually asleep in his tomb when some dildo comes along and wakes him up. When that happens, you gotta kill at least one person, it's karma. And I guarantee that after killing a bunch of archeologists or whatever, a mummy is more than happy to go to the nearest saloon and shoot some stick with the fellahs. That's just his way.

To be honest, part of my disdain for vampires and affiliation with mummies revolves around some personal problems I have. I hate the way vampires always score with the gals! I mean, if a vampire wanted that Tori Spelling fox, he'd simply put his cape around her, toss out some of those crummy romantic lines with that European accent and Zowie!? Instant dinner. But a mummy? He'd probably fall down, get Tori all caught up in his bandages and have to face the humiliation of her saying, "Gawd, you are such a dweeb!"

Now before you vampire lovers go getting your capes all in a bunch, let me point out a few things. Vampires are obviously a ploy by the socio-economically elite in this country to subdue the working class. The rich want you to fall in love with the finer things so you'll ignore the dire straights you're in. Vampires are the beautiful people. They're the Todds and Muffys that laughed at you in high school. But the Frankensteins, the wolfmen, the mummies? That's us, the working man. How do I know you're a working man. Well, for one thing, if you had any class or taste, you wouldn't be reading this magazine.

That's why it's important we eliminate America's obsession with these pointy toothed bastards. Sure, maybe now vampires are chic, but their day will come. Vampires may think they're better than most monsters but what's a vampire going to do against a Godzilla Monster? Bite into his big toe? Or how about mutant space aliens? Hah! Eat hot laser beams you fruity bloodsucking freak. Go back to Transylvania you pale faced buffoon. God I hate vampires.
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