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Applied Science

By Matt Sedik

Here's a thought that struck me while walking home today as I was trudging past a line of Chinese markets on Clement Street. Walking along, doing my swift Clement Street Pedestrian Weave (a skill only mastered after years of practice), it hit me. Like a blow between guests on the Jerry Springer Show.

If I had to become a kitchen appliance,
which would I choose?

Damn, there goes the rest of my day. I mean, we're talking about a ton of appliances. So many to choose from, for so many reasons. It's not as simple as "Which of the Monkees would you want to hang with for a day?" Or something as cut and dry as, "Who was funnier on the Muppet Show, Gonzo or Fozzie?" No way. This requires careful consideration. And not just how long your warranty would last.

Refrigerator - Constant attention. Probably the most important appliance in any kitchen. A social gathering place, unlike it's ancestor the ice box. The fears of being crushed under a slippery block of ice are long gone. As a fridge you'd have constant change, as your internal inventory would be in an ongoing state of flux (unless you're my fridge which has had the same condiments, cheese and water for the past 8 months. Only the beer and Snapple has changed.)

Toaster - Depending on the household you might not be used very often, but then again, when you are it's with extreme anticipation. People looking down your slots to gauge bread darkening. You also get a variety of input: bread, bagels, waffles, english muffins, and the occasional Pop Tart (for those freaks who actually cook 'em.)

Juicer - Again, it depends on the household. More often then not you'd be lightly used, but when that chord goes into the wall and those apples and carrots get loaded, people are expecting 220% from you. You're only called into the game when they need to get the job done. When they need to separate the pulp from the juice. Oh yeah. You da man.

Coffee machine - I can't really cover this appliance since I'm not a coffee drinker. I have seen them in action, so I will say this: ground beans in, brown water out. Not much of an existance to me. Maybe life would be a bit more interesting if you had an expresso attachment. I know mine would be.

Stove - Excuse me? The stove? Yeah, like there's loads of respect. Cooking a quickie breakfast? Spatter. A nice pot of soup for lunch, maybe a grilled cheese sandwich? Spatter. Oh, and let's not even discuss dinner. Get real folks, there are exactly three things I do twice a year: visit the dentist, change the batteries in my smoke detector, and clean my stovetop. Nice try Mr. Stove, better luck next time!

Microwave - Way more used than the stove in today's society. Hell, I'd have probably starved to death years ago had the microwave never been invented. The plus side: deep within your painted metal cores lies the ability to split the atom. Your next of kin is the atomic bomb. Family reunions are a blast. The bad side: that rotating glass plate never seems to stay on track. And when is the last time someone wiped your insides down? Case closed.

Rice cooker - So most households don't have one. Tough, mine does, so I wanna discuss 'em: see coffee machine. Grain in, cooked rice out. Sure there's white, wild, the occasional pilaf, but it's a pretty drab life.

Blender - Now we're talking. You are literally the life of the party. They toss in some fruit? Your high speed motors scream "Fuck it!" They add some ice? "Fuck that too!" Some Bacardi? "Well heellllooooo! Now we're talkin'! Shake that funky booooo-tay white boy!" Sure, on occasion you might be called upon to mix something less glamorous like a milkshake, but hey, at least that's a social beverage too. Oh yes my friend, the blender might just be it. Even the word is happenin'. I've often said that if we're all going to Hell in a mixed drink, I wanna be the swizzle stick. Maybe along the same lines, if I were accidentally reincarnated into a kitchen appliance, I think I'd wanna be a blender. At least then I could mean it when I say, "Damn I'm smooth..."

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