This was issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners and
- Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a
diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know.
If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
- Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy
Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will just HAVE tokick your ass.
- Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's calledCoke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or
whatever -- it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an
- We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,Welty,
Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
- We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner
Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have
small lapses in judgment (e.g., Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care
if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our
state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kicktheir ass.
- Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet andflanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be
paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and
complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
- We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just
spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
- Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that
you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended -- with gravy. And don't
put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
- Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your
- Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better.
Many of us have visited Northern shitholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and wehave the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you
are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
- Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't
want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are
saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all thatmatters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.
- Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or
rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll
kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
- Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors
open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are
expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little
gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like
they did ours.
- So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly,
crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air,
and we'll kick your ass.
- Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook
barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky
we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbeque, and you will go home
in a pine box. Minus your ass!