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Dear Elvin
By Elvin

Editor's Note: We are pleased to introduce a new columnist to the SCROOMtimes family. Elvin is a professor emeritus of interpersonal communications at a local university. He has graciously agreed to answer your questions on love, relationships and social interaction in general. We hope that reading his column is as enlightening for you as it has been for all of us here at the 'times.

Dear Elvin,
My girlfriend has said that I don't talk to her enough and that I'm distant and unfeeling. I just want to be able to come home from work without answering a thousand questions about my day. Is there any way I can get her to give me some time to myself before she starts grilling me?
Mum's the Word

No, that is the price of getting laid on a regular basis. Just make shit up in answer to her questions. If she asks you if anything happened at work, tell her that a knife wielding lunatic was shot dead outside your cubicle. By the time she realizes that you are full of it, you will already have had sex with her.
I remember when I was with this woman for six months before she realized I didn't actually work NASA. I had her believing that we lost the Mars probe due to a long lunch at "Hooters". She finally dumped me when she found out that NASA was based in Texas, not just around the corner from the strip club in Ames, Iowa like I'd been telling her.

Dear Elvin,
Sometimes I feel like I'll never meet that special someone who will share my hopes and dreams. I feel all alone in a vast ocean of isolation and dread. How do I meet the right woman for me?

You mean you aren't a woman? I thought for sure you were a woman. I think maybe you need ol' Elvin to come over and kick your pansy ass. Maybe then you can be a man and go out and buy yourself a hooker like the rest of us.

Dear Elvin,
In a moment of weakness I promised my girlfriend that I wouldn't go to strip clubs anymore. Now I'm jonesing for some half naked dancing girls, but I don't want to lie to her. What do I do.
Fully Clothed and Unhappy

You never said anything about not seeing strippers did you? If all you promised was to not go to strip clubs, let your fingers do the walking and invite a dancer to your home. There is no promise you can make to a woman that you can't get out of if you just look hard enough. You just have to think out of the box is all. Loopholes, my boy, loopholes, that's what makes the world go round.

Dear Elvin,
How often should a couple have sex? Once a week? Twice? Three times? My boyfriend and I have it all the time, but these friends of ours only do it like three times a month and that's only if he can pull himself away from the TV for like thirty seconds (and I do mean thirty seconds). He says that's normal in a relationship that's been going on for awhile, she says that's never normal. What do you think?
Asking for a Friend

Is your "friend" fat? Sometimes women get fat and don't like to have sex with them anymore. Send me a picture of your "friend" naked (with toys if possible) and I will let you know if your "friend" is too fat to be attractive to men or if your "friend's" boyfriend is just a latent homosexual.
Better yet, you might want to just send your "friend" over to my place so I can check this out in person. It may be that your "friend" just isn't very good at sex. That sometimes makes men not want to have sex with women. Write back and I'll give you directions to my place. BE sure to remind your "friend" to bring beer, men like to have sex with women that bring beer to their homes.

Dear Elvin,
What do women want? I've been in more failed relationships than I can count and I'm getting tired of it. What do they want from me? I read the books, I watch "Oprah", I ask my female friends, I do everything I can to figure them out and I don't have a clue what I need to do to have a successful relationship with a woman? Help! Tell me what women want.
Dazed and Confused

They want you to have a larger penis.