By Elvin

Editor's Note: After a long hiatus, during which more than a few legal issues were addressed, we are pleased to announce the return of "Dear Elvin". Elvin is a professor emeritus of interpersonal communications at a local university. He has graciously agreed to answer your questions on love, relationships and social interaction in general. We hope that reading his column is as enlightening for you as it has been for all of us here at the 'times.

-Dean

Dear Elvin,

I too am an internet columnist and recently received this letter from a fan. "hello I need advice with my girlfriend. she's a little unstable about the kissing thing." Frankly, I am at a loss here, any advice for the young man?

Signed,

Certainly not Skippy

Skip,

Wait for her to sleep, they all have to sleep eventually, and then tie her to the bed. Kissing will be the least of her hang-ups.

Dear Elvin,

I have been feeling out sorts lately. Recently I moved in with my girlfriend and it seems like we spend all of our time with her friends. I'm starting to feel like I don't have a life of my own. What should I do?

Signed,

Lonely in a Crowd

Lonely,

Accept the fact that you probably never had any friends in the first place, be grateful you are capable of dating someone who does and don't ever bother me again. Loser.

My girlfriend is threatening to show up for the opening weekend of football season. I love her and all of that, but this is the one time a year that my buddies and I can just hang out and be guys. How do I tell her to butt out without pissing her off.

Signed,

3rd and Long

3rd,

Jesus H. Christ, I haven't been around for six months and this is best we can do for questions? Two losers and a mama's boy? Tell you what you do slim, invite her along for the game. You are already a pathetic shell of a man that doesn't deserve to watch football anyway. You may as well let your friends in on the secret so they find someone with functioning testicles to watch football with them. Oh, and don't ever bother me again.

Dear Elvin,

It all seems so pointless. I go to work to the same job day after day. I come home to the same woman day after day. It doesn't seem like anything in my life is ever going to change. What can I do to add some excitement?

Signed,

Dying of Boredom

Dying,

Has it occurred to you that perhaps boredom is the best you can hope for at this point in your life? I see guys like you all the time. I had a friend once who had your exact same complaint, job was boring, wife was boring, life never changed. One day he comes home from work early to surprise the missus and he catches her doing the nasty with the RotoRooter guy in his favorite easy chair. After he kicked her out, his work suffered so badly that he lost his job. Now he wanders the streets with a cardboard box and a glazed look and I can guaran-damn-tee you that what little of his brain is left after the sterno binges is longing for some boredom.

Dude, I can't laid to save my life. Hookers turn me down. I have tried personal ads, dating services, even mail order brides. Nothing works, my right arm is twice the size of my left and I haven't slept in weeks. Is there anything you can do to help?

Signed,

Pent Up

Pent,

Don't ever call me dude.

Dear Elvin,

Sir, I can't laid to save my life. Hookers turn me down. I have tried personal ads, dating services, even mail order brides. Nothing works, my right arm is twice the size of my left and I haven't slept in weeks. Is there anything you can do to help?

Signed,

Pent Up

Pent,

That's more like it. You should get a hold of "Dying's" wife. Living with a slug like that, she'd probably welcome a little change. Or, you could always call RotoRooter, I hear they're good. Last and certainly not least, I would start having sex with the ugliest women you can find. It will not only relieve the tension, but after a month or two your standards will be so low that you will happily bang a knothole and call it Shannon Tweed. You will never be lonely again my friend.