To Be A Liberal

To be a liberal, you have to believe the AIDS virus is spreading due to a lack of funding.
To be a liberal, you have to believe that the same public school system that can't teach 4th graders how to read is capable of teaching those same kids about sex.
To be a liberal, you have to believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid, greedy, bad guys.
To be a liberal, you have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.
To be a liberal, you have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
To be a liberal, you have to believe that the biggest threat to this country are those who believe morals, ethics, and family values are essential.
To be a liberal, you have to believe that punishment for a crime should depend on motive, i.e. killing a person because they dislike them is worse than killing that same person because they want their money.
To be a liberal, you have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
To be a liberal, you have to believe that good intentions are equal to actually accomplishing something.
To be a liberal, you have to believe that the government should reward those who contribute the least and punish by taxing those who work hard and succeed.
To be a liberal, you have to believe that governmental laws and regulations are the answer, not freedom and competition.
To be a liberal, you have to believe that art would not exist without federal funding.
To be a liberal, you have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
To be a liberal, you have to believe the NRA is bad, because of its support for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because of its support for certain parts of the Constitution.
To be a liberal, you have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set asides aren't.
To be a liberal, you have to believe that minorities are not capable of making it without your help and conservatives are racists because they believe everyone should be treated as equal.
To be a liberal, you have to believe that cigarettes pose more danger to our kids and our society than illegal drugs.

In Summary:

To be liberal, you have to allow your thoughts and actions to be governed by emotional, feel-good rhetoric and total disregard or consideration of all intelligent responses.

A Rebuttal....

To Be A Conservative

To Be A Conservative, you have to believe that a drug that causes cancer poses less of a health danger than a drug that treats cancer.
To Be A Conservative, you have to believe that "Freedom of Religion" means only "Freedom of Christianity".
To Be A Conservative, you have to believe that a marriage between an adult male and a female minor does less harm to society than a marriage between two consenting adults of the same gender.
To Be A Conservative, you have to believe that simply telling kids that sex is sinful will prevent teenage pregnancy, despite thousands of generations of evidence to the contrary.
To Be A Conservative, you have to believe that homosexuality is a disease, and that poverty and homelessness is a lifestyle choice.
To Be A Conservative, you have to believe that the same woman who couldn't practice responsible birth control should be required to become a parent.
To Be A Conservative, you have to believe that any art that does not conform to your strict ideals of decency and morality as set forth in your ever-present "King James version" constitutes pornography and should be censored.
To Be A Conservative, you have to believe that a law that denies same-sex couples equal marital rights to heterosexuals is not anti-homosexual.
To Be A Conservative, you have to believe that morals, ethics, and family values are solely defined by, and are the exclusive property of the Christian Coalition.
To Be A Conservative, you have to believe that the ACLU is bad, because of its support of certain parts of the Constitution, while the NRA is good, because of its support for certain parts of the Constitution.
To Be A Conservative, you have to believe that condoms are more dangerous to teenagers than guns.
To Be A Conservative, you have to believe that all this country needs is a return to the same "Christian Values" that were used to justify the enslavement of blacks, the genocide of the Indians, and the oppression of women and minorities for hundreds of years.
To Be A Conservative, you have to believe that giving money to needy families is bad, but giving money to needy tobacco farmers is good.
To Be A Conservative, you have to believe that aborting even a horribly deformed fetus is murder, but gunning down a licenced physician is a act of love.

In Summary:

To Be A Conservative, you have to be just as willing as a Liberal to suspend simple logic and common sense to justify your opinions.