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Hey Kids! The Skipster is here to open his big bag 'o joy
for the month! How is everyone doing out there today? We have anyone visiting
from out of town? Go ahead, raise your hand if you're a tourist - you did it
didn't you? You just found yourself alone in your room, smiling like an idiot
with your hand over your head didn't you? That's OK, I know that you're not all
that bright, I just do it to screw with your head, call it a hobby.

I'm sitting here on a rainy Wednesday in the middle of March
wondering why I bother getting out of bed at all. It's just one of those days
you know? Then I realize that Super Tuesday was yesterday and now that we have
the nominees, you are going to need me to tell you how to bet - err, vote this
election year. Scratch that attempt at social consciousness, I am going to tell
you how to make bank on this election, cause frankly, that really is all that
matters.

I'm not like the rest of those self-proclaimed pundits, who give these wishy-washy
prognostications like "Well if Bush can move back to the center and avoid
having his message defined for him he may have a chance in Rhode Island."
Oh no, I give you valuable insight that you can use when calling your bookie. I
will tell you to take Gore and give the points and I will do it early enough that
you can get some decent odds. I am all about service to you, my reading public.
Before we get into the your betting strategy, let's take a look at how we got
here.

You know I was little concerned when the McCain machine came
out of nowhere to put a scare into Junior's minions. Unlike Junior, McCain has
that Reaganesque ability to make otherwise rational people completely ignore
what he is saying and focus instead on how he is saying it. You found all of
these Democrats and independents who would never dream of voting for Bush or
Dole or any other Republican flocking to McCain because of his character. This
worried me folks, cause quite frankly it is difficult to make book on charisma.
Sometimes it is enough, sometimes it isn't, but I wouldn't want my hard earned
wagering fund involved one way or the other.

Then, to make matters worse, McCain actually came out and
said what all good political junkies have known for quite some time, that as
long as the Republican establishment was owned part and parcel by the religious
right, they would never get so much as a sniff at the Whitehouse. This is
nothing new folks. This is something that the Republican moderates have known
for a while now and have always tried to downplay. They know that they need the
right wing crazies to maintain their lock on the Congress, but those same
crazies are an albatross come general election time.

Simply put, this country will not elect a president that
says "I am against a woman's right to choose and I will use my presidential
power to curtail that right." Yet, that is exactly what the Christian right
demands of any candidate before they will support them. Oddly enough, that is
what John McCain believes, he is just smart enough not to say it out loud where
the voters might hear him. The smart boys in the Republican party figured that
if they set Junior up with all of the endorsements and all of the money, he
could become the de facto nominee without ever having to make that pledge to
the radical right. Unfortunately, John McCain jumped into the race and Junior
found himself desperately in need of the right's support to get the nod.
Welcome to Bob Jones University Junior, have fun explaining your visit in
November.

As you can see it's been a weird race. You have a right wing,
war hero, anti-abortion candidate running on a reform ticket that drives the
moderate party favorite to the right to secure the nomination. Weird stuff, but
that is all over now. The Republicans, in all of their wisdom, looked at the
primary numbers and said to themselves, "Hmm, McCain is doubling the turnout
and pulling in Democrats and independents like there's no tomorrow, we'd better
shut him down before he does something crazy like win the Whitehouse." "Why
would they do that?" you might wonder. They did that because McCain is not
their boy, Junior is their chosen one and they have convinced themselves that
Junior has the magic touch to get them to the promised land. If it's me, I jump
ship on Junior after New Hampshire and sign the pink slip of the party over to
McCain. He is obviously the only Republican out there today with a chance of
beating Clinton - sorry, Gore, in November.

Happily for us Democrats, this is not what they did. They
persevered and managed to whack out John McCain on Super Tuesday. So now it is
Junior against Gore in November and Al has to be licking his chops at this
match up. After brushing off a feeble run by Bill Bradley, Al has a united,
very moderate, Democratic party lined up behind him to smite Junior all the way
back to Texas. Junior, on the other hand, has half a party of pissed off
centrists thinking that maybe four more years of Gore wouldn't be so bad if it
would get the radical right off their backs.

"So how do I bet this one?" is what you are asking right
now. Well let me put it to you this way. One candidate is the sitting Vice
President during a time of unrivaled peace and prosperity. He has been
integrally involved in an administration that can claim not only to have beaten
inflation, unemployment and economic stagnation, but can also claim to have
balanced the budget and started to pay down the debt. Fiscal responsibility,
social progress, a time of unparalleled prosperity and no major international
threats to speak of. Who is there to knock this candidate off and claim the
crown? A legacy, a man who is so obviously out of his depth that it makes you
wince to even watch him speak. This man makes me long for those heady
intellectual days of the Quayl(e) 2000 campaign.

"So how do I bet this one?!" you ask again, since you have
no appreciation for the fine latticework of logic that is political
handicapping and want only to know how to make filthy lucre off of your
country's quest for leadership. Well fine, take Gore and give up 6.5 points to
be safe, 10 if you are feeling particularly ambitious. I don't think it will be
more than 6.5 personally, but this race is not going to be as close as it
looks. Gore won't win by huge margin only because Junior is just bland enough
to poll a solid 40% with no effort at all. Short of a depression or a World
War, Gore should take this one by 5 to 10 points without breaking a sweat. You
might see a pretty solid thumping in the number of states category, but
Junior's lack of personality argues against it. You need to have either radical
ideas or a strong personality to piss people off enough to make a landslide and
Junior has neither. This is not the race to make a killing on, unless of course
you can find one of God's soldiers to give you odds on Al winning it all.
Unfortunately, they usually don't gamble much, yet another reason to pimp-slap
their candidate back to the sticks.
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