"Because it was there." -- Sir Edmund Hillary, when asked why he climbed Mount Everest.
"Because it is on." -- Dave Lind, when asked why he watches pre-season football.
The Editors here at Scroomtimes and I agree on a great many things, but one thing that we differ on is the matter of pay. Now, I am a reasonable man and while I believe that a writer of my considerable talent should command.. .say. . . Tom Clancy money, I would be willing to settle for a more modest figure such as... well... SOME.
The Editors, on the other hand, feel that I am akeady grossly over-compensated as it is and by the way whereinthehell is next month's column?
As such, I have found it necessary to supplement my meager income with a full-time job. I won't go into specifics about this job, but rest assured it is one that enables me the intellectual freedom to fully explore my vast potential as a human being.
It also provides me the opportunity to watch TV all weekend long while still getting paid.
Ah, but there is trouble in paradise, for I am not alone in this workplace and must therefore share the TV resources with others. Most often there are no conflicts, since none dare challenge me when there is football at stake. Sadly though, there are those who do not consider preseason football worthy of viewing and would prefer instead to watch lesser sports such as NASCAR and (gasp) golf.
Such a travesty happened to me this past weekend. When faced with the option of watching football or some fairy-ass golf tournament, my co-workers all voted for golf. Golf, I tell you!
Now don't get me wrong, I like golf as much as the next guy, (by which I mean that I'll watch golf only if there is absolutely nothing else on TV including WKRP in Cincinnati reruns AND I have money on the outcome), but to watch Golf when there is football available is nothing short of sacrilege.
In the eyes of the Football Gods, and remember I say this as an ordained minister, there are a precious few things which are acceptable to watch when there is football available. I shall enumerate them as follows:
And yet, there I sat, forced to endure four grueling hours of chip shots and birdie putts. A fate, I might add, I would have been spared had the skin-flint editors of this two-bit rag been willing to pony up even the paltry six-figure salary I so richly deserve.
You know what. I'm not going to take this any more. I want a fair day's pay for a fair day's work. I want a decent medical plan, with dental and vision coverage. I want a quality 401k plan with company matching funds and stock options and a pension. I want a Christmas bonus and a secretary and a desk calendar and a big shiny cabinet that I can steal office supplies from and until I get it, I am shutting down my keyboard. That's right, as of right now, I am on strike. I refuse to write another word for this sweatshop webmag until these tightwad editors agree to treat me like the valuable resource that I am. I understand that you, my loyal reader(s) are ultimately the ones who will be affected by all this, and for that I appologize. My only hope is that this labor dispute can be resolved as quickly as possible. Until then, power to the people! Union YES!
**Editor's Note** Shortly after this column was completed, the author and myself sat down for some intense negotiations. I am happy to report, after much haggling and discussion, Dave and the 'times have reached an agreement for his continued contributions to this magazine. As part of the agreement, we cannot disclose terms of his compensation package at this time. Please be sure to read a special "From the Cheapseats" column in this month's issue in the Features Section.
**Editor's Note Pt. II** Upon further reflection I have decided to reveal the details of Dave's compensation agreement. Though it may cause our other authors some envy, I feel it is important that the world know just how much we value Dave's work. Dave and the 'times have agreed to an exclusive contract which will pay him fifty cents (deferred) and all the beer he could drink at the Opening day of Football Season. Welcome back big guy!