A while back, we ran a piece called You might be a Redneck Jedi if.... Now, my brother-in-law, being a Redneck, called me up and had a few things to day about that, and suggested that I might want to even the score a bit.

So, seeing as he's about 6-foot-2 and outweighs me by some 600 lbs, I occasionally humor him. In that vein, here is a Southerner's list of....


  1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "To Cook Outside".
  2. You think Heinz ketchup is SPICY!
  3. You don't have any problem pronouncing "Worcestershire Sauce" correctly
  4. For breakfast, you would prefer home fries to grits
  5. You don't know what a moon pie is
  6. You've never had grain alcohol
  7. You've never, ever, eaten okra
  8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork
  9. You've never seen a live chicken and the only cows you've seen are from the road in a car
  10. You have no idea what a polecat is
  11. When someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
  12. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle
  13. You don't have bangs
  14. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags
  15. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut
  16. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than to grow up and get his own TV fishing show
  17. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all", you call them "You guys", even if both are women
  18. You don't think Howard Stern has an accent
  19. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun and knife show
  20. You think more money should go to important scientific research at a university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
  21. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 or a single roll of electrical tape somewhere around your house.
  22. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting off an on-ramp on the highway.
  23. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores
  24. The furthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Sear's
  25. You call binoculars "Opera glasses".
  26. You can't manage to spit out of the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
  27. You would never wear pink, or an applique sweatshirt
  28. You don't know what an applique is!
  29. You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e.: Joe Bob, Billy Ray, Bonnie Sue, Mary Lou)
  30. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't have any idea how to make one
  31. You've never been to a craft show
  32. You freak out on the subway if someone speaks to you
  33. You can't do your laundry without quarters
  34. None of your fur coats are homemade
  35. You can't imagine an indoor monster truck and tractor show
  36. You would never consider drinking a Budweiser beer
  37. The mere thought of biscuits and sausage gravy clogs your arteries
  38. The word "greens" brings about images of golf courses
  39. Christmas lights belong on your house only in the month of December, along with decorated trees
  40. A "Dry County" means it doesn't rain too often
  41. You don't own a pair of overalls or cowboy boots
  42. Your jewelry does not turn your skin green or black
  43. You wouldn't be caught dead with a pouch of Red Man
  44. You have no clue what palmettos, fire ants and skinks are ...and don't want to!
  45. There is not one friend, business associate or family member in your world named Bubba, Slim, Billie Jean or Mavis.
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