A while back, we ran a piece called You might be a Redneck
Jedi if.... Now, my brother-in-law, being a Redneck, called me up and had a few things to
day about that, and suggested that I might want to even the score a bit.
So, seeing as he's about 6-foot-2 and outweighs me by some 600 lbs, I occasionally humor him.
In that vein, here is a Southerner's list of....
SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT BE A YANKEE
- You think barbecue is a verb meaning "To Cook Outside".
- You think Heinz ketchup is SPICY!
- You don't have any problem pronouncing "Worcestershire Sauce" correctly
- For breakfast, you would prefer home fries to grits
- You don't know what a moon pie is
- You've never had grain alcohol
- You've never, ever, eaten okra
- You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork
- You've never seen a live chicken and the only cows you've seen are from the road in a car
- You have no idea what a polecat is
- When someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
- You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle
- You don't have bangs
- You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags
- More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut
- You would rather have your son become a lawyer than to grow up and get his own TV fishing show
- Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all", you call them "You guys", even if both are women
- You don't think Howard Stern has an accent
- You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun and knife show
- You think more money should go to important scientific research at a university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
- You don't have at least one can of WD-40 or a single roll of electrical tape somewhere around your house.
- The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting off an on-ramp on the highway.
- You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores
- The furthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Sear's
- You call binoculars "Opera glasses".
- You can't manage to spit out of the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
- You would never wear pink, or an applique sweatshirt
- You don't know what an applique is!
- You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e.: Joe Bob, Billy Ray, Bonnie Sue, Mary Lou)
- You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't have any idea how to make one
- You've never been to a craft show
- You freak out on the subway if someone speaks to you
- You can't do your laundry without quarters
- None of your fur coats are homemade
- You can't imagine an indoor monster truck and tractor show
- You would never consider drinking a Budweiser beer
- The mere thought of biscuits and sausage gravy clogs your arteries
- The word "greens" brings about images of golf courses
- Christmas lights belong on your house only in the month of December, along with decorated trees
- A "Dry County" means it doesn't rain too often
- You don't own a pair of overalls or cowboy boots
- Your jewelry does not turn your skin green or black
- You wouldn't be caught dead with a pouch of Red Man
- You have no clue what palmettos, fire ants and skinks are ...and don't want to!
- There is not one friend, business associate or family member in your world named Bubba, Slim, Billie Jean or Mavis.